not there yet...

i have decided to push the envelope.

i am ready to get my muscle back and get my body healthy.

problem is my hip isn't quite there yet...

slow and steady...slower and steadier...

one whole year...

i think about the day i got home from the hospital.

the smell of the anastesia that lasted for days.

i still can't stand the smell of the laundry detergent we used post-op.

i was stiff, sore, shivering from the shock, and living on norco and saltines.

it took 3 SOLID months before i started feeling kind of like a normal person.

3 more month to set my body into chronic inflammation, then 3 more months before i found a job that i was physically capable of.

it took until early december 2011, just a mere month ago, before i felt like my body wasn't vulnerable anymore.

i hiked on monday. today is thursday and my hip aches from the pressure and friction of repetative movement, but my gosh! i could do it!

when i went into physical therapy in september all i wanted was to walk. to be able to go on a walk down the beach with no pain. i wanted to go to the dog park for an hour without having to sit down. i wanted to be able to not let the fear of my inability stop me from spending time with the people i love.

guess what?! i can walk!

i rarely get pain in my gait anymore.

the pain is ache that is a sign of hard work.

dammit!

i have come a long way!

i can walk!

i well up as i remember how incredibly desperate i was.

i was alone in my pain.

i was alone in the expectations i felt everyone had on me and my recovery.

why can't i be better? why do i have to say no again? why do i have to say my hip won't let me???

i have come to a point where my expectation is not perfection. i don't think my hips will ever feel like they are "supposed" to.

BUT! i will take BETTER any day!

from where i have come i am doing amazing.

i have learned to give my self and others more grace...still working on it...but trying.

i have learned that my expectations are not always reality.

i have learned that progress doesn't have to look like a miracle.

and gratitude comes from perspective. i am very grateful.

thank you all for encouraging me, accepting me and loving me on this journey.

it is not over and there will always be more to post here, but can you believe it??? i hit ONE year post-op!!!

hiking with the girls about
1 year and 7 months
after all of this started

merry christmas

merry christmas!

i am trying to even remember what it was like a year ago. last christmas was just a week or so before surgery.

it is probably good that i am starting to forget what life was like this past year. finally getting over the hump of being inundated with thoughts of my hip.

i am blessed.

i will take recovery at any rate! one year, two years...however long it takes.

freedom

taking a look back at what life was like a year ago is a huge reality check.

i look back at the anxiety and fear i carried around. i was controlled by my physical limitations, and the emotional and mental strain chronic pain had on me. there was the unknown of if the surgery would heal me, if i would live with this for the rest of my life.

how is chronic hip-pain going to direct what my future looks like?

i am 11 months and 2 weeks post-op and life sure looks different.

i still live with fear of the pain resurfacing like it was, injuring my hip again, and whether or not the pain i still have will be there forever; but i am bound and determined to not let it determine who i am and what i can do. i am actually at a point where i CAN do most things. i CAN walk with limited to NO pain. i CAN live a normal life with a bum hip. i CAN.

my hip is not perfect, but the reality that i can't allow a limitation to determine my future is my new reality.

this last year has been such a transformation. overcoming not only physical pain, but emotional and mental pain as well. i no longer allow the fear to bind me.

this last year has been a mountain i think i have finally conquered.

wristband for surgery - 1.4.11

my how time flies...

as the one year mark approaches there is a lot to process through.

there have been a lot of changes in my life since this escapade started in may of 2010...

as i get closer and closer i want to focus on one aspect of change/process/growth that has occurred surgery in january of 2011. i will try and stay positive! life is looking up so my debbie downer days are, slowly, turnging into something beautiful.

sit back, relax and join me as i take a look back over this last year...

three months post-op at my thinking spot or happy place.
many an afternoon was spent here.
listening to the waves, praying and waiting

**posts are coming...i did say sit back and relax...they're coming**

working my glutes...

yesterday was the first day of physical therapy post-op. what an exhausting hour. my pt found every sore spot, for better or for worse.
when it comes down to it i have a few mechanical issues.

· my hips are rotated

i knew this from before, but it is a good reminder of my body mechanics. having rotated hips (i can't remember if it is anterior rotation (forward) or if the sockets are inverted towards one another ) means my external rotation (rotating my femur clockwise in my socket while my leg is flexed at 90°) is much easier than my internal roation (rotating my hip counter-clockwise while my leg is flexed at 90°).

internal rotation
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK266/bin/ch158f14.jpg

i'm fascinated with all of this so bare with me!

 · i am not activating my glutes

basically i have been activating my piriformis instead of my glutes. i have been making a tiny muscle do the work of a large (granted mine isn't as large as it was) muscle.

large gluteus

tiny pirifrmis

One thing that is happening in not engaging my glutes, the abnormal tilt to my hips and the general imbalance of my body, my musculoskeletal system is taking a hit. i am pushing my femur forward in the acetabulum, continuing to impinge the joint. what?! furthering impingement? yes, that is correct.

where to go from here?

well, thankfully my pt has a course of action. this course of actions starts with two very simple glute activating exercises. yes, i will be working on re-activating my glutes to start working again. from there it is retraining my body, and fixing the musculoskeletal issues. we will be working to get my femur back into correct positioning.

not out of the woods, but i am a glute exercise away! ...of sorts...

8 1/2 months post-op (37 weeks!)

so i have been hesitant to write any updates. i don't want to jinx any progress!

the beginning of this month, pretty much right on my 8 month surgery anniversary, i woke up pain free. yes, you read that right...pain free.

now, see, the hesitance comes from my track record. my hip starts feeling better, i push it, and am then back to peg...way to far down the board, that i have lost hope in all of this too many times.

to be honest, i saw a glimmer of what my life IS going to look like. my muscles were loose, my joint was smooth, and i did not feel limited. it was really freeing. it made me realize how much i have been letting my physical limitation, especially pain, hold be back. the reality is that mechanically i am golden now. the pain i feel, once again, is tendons and muscles working and doing things they have not done in at least three months, more realistically closer to a year. my body is not working perfectly which brings about aches and pains, but with time this will all subside. i am thankful for the glimmer of what is to come and for the continued healing

this process has been depressing. the reality is that i am a fragile person. i may seem tough and together, but i am the one who is lulled to sleep by my anxiety.

the big breakthrough happened a few days after i finally, truly, gave up a lot of my worry. i finally rallied a troop of people to pray for me, i let go, and let God take control. i know it sounds so cheesy and cliche, but it was the only thing that has taken my mind off of my pain, given me a few good days and allowed me to free myself from the chains of this ordeal. it is so easy to get caught up in the circle of disappointment in all of this, but the reality is, i am blessed. i have insurance, my finances always iron out no matter how stressful, and i am taken care of.

i am still reminded that this has never been life or death. i am still in tact and matter of fact i am functioning better than i was 15 months ago.

while having coffee with a dear friend this morning i ran into a customer i have not see in a few months. he was thin, wearing a stocking cap with his stringy hair peeking out from underneath. we were chatting and catching up, and he so nicely asked me how i was doing with my hip, not working right now and he was encouraging about the benefits of a positive attitude in all of this. he pointed to his cap "this isn't a fashion statement".

i politely asked, "if you don't mind, can i ask what happened?"

"leukemia" he said.

a few months ago he started feeling neck and back pain, and a fever that spiked and fell consistently. two months ago he went to the ER and was in chemo the next day. the doctor told him if he would have waited two more weeks he wouldn't be alive.

i held it together, holding back tears and encouraged him at the end; and as he was turning to walk away i told him "i don't know if you subscribe to it, but i will be praying for you."

he stopped, and said "i do".

he told me he has had a lot of people praying for him. family, friends and a Bible study. he truly believes that after only two months of chemo, the only reasons why he is alive and in remission, yes! REMISSION, is that people have been praying and he has not allowed himself to pity the situation once!

i am blessed. i have never had the words, if you would have waited two more weeks you wouldn't be here.

i am blessed. i am in recovery, i am healing and my pain is less by the day.

i am blessed. i have a peace that passes all understanding in this, all when i let go and let God take care of me and my situation.

i am blessed.