PT Round Two

alright, verdict is i am weak.

no news to me.

nothing majorly wrong, so the pt thinks. we will see how much this fella knows...

tight psoas and tight back muscles, while i have weak abs and weak gluts.

ultimately i will me beefing it up...well, if you count clam shells that open slightly and pulling my abs through my belly button to the floor, then i am beefing it up. *lots of sarcasm*

you know what, anything to bring the pain level down.

bring it on!

new shoes!

 

you know what that means?

yes!

i am picking up the running shoes.

it has taken a year and three months, but i can do it. i am only running 1.1 miles, but i am getting that time down and will work up the mileage. 

i have been mixing in the yoga, keeping up with the stretching, and mixing in low weights. this has been one LONG haul!

i am by no means pain free, BUT my body can move. i am capable to move how a body should!

if you are struggling through this process, know that it takes time. 

take a look at where you came from and where you are now. i can only hope you see progress. we have good days, we have bad days, BUT my worst days after are nowhere close to what they were before.

you can make it through!

8 1/2 months post-op (37 weeks!)

so i have been hesitant to write any updates. i don't want to jinx any progress!

the beginning of this month, pretty much right on my 8 month surgery anniversary, i woke up pain free. yes, you read that right...pain free.

now, see, the hesitance comes from my track record. my hip starts feeling better, i push it, and am then back to peg...way to far down the board, that i have lost hope in all of this too many times.

to be honest, i saw a glimmer of what my life IS going to look like. my muscles were loose, my joint was smooth, and i did not feel limited. it was really freeing. it made me realize how much i have been letting my physical limitation, especially pain, hold be back. the reality is that mechanically i am golden now. the pain i feel, once again, is tendons and muscles working and doing things they have not done in at least three months, more realistically closer to a year. my body is not working perfectly which brings about aches and pains, but with time this will all subside. i am thankful for the glimmer of what is to come and for the continued healing

this process has been depressing. the reality is that i am a fragile person. i may seem tough and together, but i am the one who is lulled to sleep by my anxiety.

the big breakthrough happened a few days after i finally, truly, gave up a lot of my worry. i finally rallied a troop of people to pray for me, i let go, and let God take control. i know it sounds so cheesy and cliche, but it was the only thing that has taken my mind off of my pain, given me a few good days and allowed me to free myself from the chains of this ordeal. it is so easy to get caught up in the circle of disappointment in all of this, but the reality is, i am blessed. i have insurance, my finances always iron out no matter how stressful, and i am taken care of.

i am still reminded that this has never been life or death. i am still in tact and matter of fact i am functioning better than i was 15 months ago.

while having coffee with a dear friend this morning i ran into a customer i have not see in a few months. he was thin, wearing a stocking cap with his stringy hair peeking out from underneath. we were chatting and catching up, and he so nicely asked me how i was doing with my hip, not working right now and he was encouraging about the benefits of a positive attitude in all of this. he pointed to his cap "this isn't a fashion statement".

i politely asked, "if you don't mind, can i ask what happened?"

"leukemia" he said.

a few months ago he started feeling neck and back pain, and a fever that spiked and fell consistently. two months ago he went to the ER and was in chemo the next day. the doctor told him if he would have waited two more weeks he wouldn't be alive.

i held it together, holding back tears and encouraged him at the end; and as he was turning to walk away i told him "i don't know if you subscribe to it, but i will be praying for you."

he stopped, and said "i do".

he told me he has had a lot of people praying for him. family, friends and a Bible study. he truly believes that after only two months of chemo, the only reasons why he is alive and in remission, yes! REMISSION, is that people have been praying and he has not allowed himself to pity the situation once!

i am blessed. i have never had the words, if you would have waited two more weeks you wouldn't be here.

i am blessed. i am in recovery, i am healing and my pain is less by the day.

i am blessed. i have a peace that passes all understanding in this, all when i let go and let God take care of me and my situation.

i am blessed.

7 month post-op

7 months post-op. wow. time flies, even when you're not having fun.

i am a little over a month into my second round of disability and learning to be still. with strict orders to only be moving and up for about 20 minutes in every hour, for a max of 4 hours in the day, i am truly going a little stir crazy. the reality is though that this time has been my saving grace.

with constant inflammation from april to the beginning of july, i didn't know how i was ever going to heal. it took a solid couple weeks for my hip to finally settle down. i can now say that with limited mobility i am feeling like a new person.

my muscles and tendons are starting to feel the effects of limited mobility, and shock when i try and push myself too hard. my joint is still easily inflamed and i am even sitting now in pain, but so much less so that a month ago. man, o, man how i hate that i am at the point i am in recovery, but blessed that i have the ability to recover. i get an income with disability, i live with my parents rent free, i have friends and a church community that loves me. i am blessed even in the midsts of what could be an even darker journey.

this process is long, and i don't know when my pain will end; but i hope i can hold onto the quiet  moments i have to rest, recover, and soak in moments not many people get. i have the opportunity to revive my weary body, mind and soul. i am blessed to have the time where i can prune a better me and come out of this process someone i could never have become without these forced moments of stillness.

looking up...

i write this blog for others to experience what life is like with femoroacetabular impingement (fai), what having a labral tear is like, what post-op life is like and everything in between. i also write this blog for myself. it is a good way to process through this journey, with my fingers tapping at my computer. i can pound away and the stress of it all rushes out of me.

i can't tell you how stressful this process has been for me.

the last few sleepless nights have led to exhaustion, but thankfully i have dealt with the disability process before and things are always easier the second time around. all phone calls have been made, and packets are on there ways to various departments for various importance...its hard to keep track...

i got a hold of the leave administration at work and was left with a load of relief. before contacting i was expecting to be left with no leave, no insurance, and ultimately no job...no nothing. thank goodness i made the call to cover my basis because when my family medical leave runs out (which i still have 3 weeks of!) i have medical leave! i don't necessarily have my old job back, but the company will do its best to place me when my disability is over. i don't know if my body can handle going back to my old job, but nonetheless i get to keep insurance (praise the Lord), and the benefits of still being with the company. huge stressor gone.

ultimately there are lights in this really dark tunnel. there is hope that things will get better and the reality is that this surgery and its recovery is unpredictable. everyone heals at a different pace and my pace might be a tad slower.

who knows what blessings in a really good disguise will come.

4 month anniversary...

it has officially been 4 months since i had surgery. what a trip all of this has been.

i've been back at work for a month, all of my billing has gone through (eek!), my scars are healing nicely and i'm settling into post-op life.

to be honest this post-op life is difficult. there is a fine balance, i haven't quite figured out, of activity and rest. the pain comes with too little or too much activity and the in between is the golden-zone where you feel almost normal again. i'm excited to find that place and stick there for a while.

work kicked be in the rear for the first two-weeks back. the first two weeks were riddled with intense pain as the request for 4-6 hour shifts was ignored and my weak and inflamed hip couldn't handle the 7 and 8 hours on my feet. with not many options, and a what is seeming to be a non-understanding boss, i'm left working 17 hours a week with probably no promise of more hours. i'm soon to loose health insurance and any financial stability in the wake of post-op recovery.

and oh the medical billing finally processed, gaining another $1,200+ in medical bills. i guess i was naive to actually think that when i asked pre-op if my large payment was all i had to pay that it really was all i had to pay. i'm slowly, or quickly i guess, gaining an air of stress that is only tempered by daily trips to dog beach in the fresh southern california sunshine and the knowledge that my hope doesn't rely in job fulfillment, financial security, or independence but; solely on my hope in Christ alone. my sanity would be gone, sometimes it leaves me for a few but, i've got something bigger to grasp onto than the consumption of all of this.

despite the debbie-downer mentality i hold onto here and there i've tried to get myself out there. i went to the railroad revival tour in san pedro, ca on the 22nd, i get outside for at least a few hours a day and i am on the search for a fresh new start in a new job (Lord willing).


i knew all of this was going to be a process but, i didn't realize to what extent my life wouldn't return to "normal", whatever that really is, post-op. i'm settling into the reality that at a year post-op i'll be feeling good, not 6 months. i'm realizing how much i need more patience and drive. i need to not settle into apathy and acceptance of all of this but, to actually push myself harder than i want to at times. i can be at a better place, happy and full of joy through this process. i don't have to wait for an arrival. i'm blessed to have been given a fix to my ailment while that isn't always the case for others.

here's to the journey!

physical therapy...

this has been a long haul so far. i get discouraged easily and i get worn out from the constant something with my hip. i know that the atrophy is not getting better, and the first two weeks of work set me back a few. i started out a little too strong out the gate and have crashed! i'm back to only 4-6 hours on my feet and i'm starting a stretching and exercise routine for the specific areas i am weak in. what a difference 2 days has made! the second day of doing the routine and my bodies muscle memory is already kicking in. i could do up to 10 in a row versus the 3!!! i could do the first day! i can already tell what a difference this is going to make in my stamina, strength and in lessening my pain level. thank you rebecca!

my pt routine stuck to the fridge :)

3 months down...

it is three months down as of today; January 4 - April 4. what amazing progress has been made!

i feel like this has to be some amazing THREE MONTH update, but really i am so used to all of this that i forget what i should tell people. i am still in pain, i've improved a lot and ultimately i feel blessed!

there were a couple days there when i was in so much pain and so uncomfortable that i almost wrote about how horrible things were going; i am so glad i didn't! i don't want to look back on these posts and dwell on the hard parts of all of this. i want to remember progress i've made and focus on where i have been blessed in all of this.

the honesty about all of this though is that there are bad days; when the weather changes, when i'm fighting something, when my hormones change...my hip doesn't lie. neither foes the other one. my hips don't lie (hopefully you got the reference ;p). i'm definitely not at 100%, and i am still weaker than a baby, but my how i have progressed.

by now all of my soft tissue should be fully healed and the labrum fully attached, yay! those are exciting new progresses that have been made. it kind of gives you an idea also of why certain areas are still painful  and tender up until about three months. the body takes its sweet time knitting everything back together.

i was given some exercises to do by the husband of the couple that hosts the community group i go to through my church. it is amazing the resources that come out of the woodwork! i am excited to unpack the long list of things i can do to get myself healthy again. the fact that that is a possibility is amazing.

i have been going to dog beach at least twice a week, to walk around and get my dog's energy out. i've hiked once at mission trails, a tad nervous to go back as it was a chore for my body! i am trying to find activities i like to do, that i can do by myself or with the dog, all to get myself strong and healthy again...very hard to do!

so three months is down and hopefully only three more to go before i am 100% and then some!!!