new shoes!

 

you know what that means?

yes!

i am picking up the running shoes.

it has taken a year and three months, but i can do it. i am only running 1.1 miles, but i am getting that time down and will work up the mileage. 

i have been mixing in the yoga, keeping up with the stretching, and mixing in low weights. this has been one LONG haul!

i am by no means pain free, BUT my body can move. i am capable to move how a body should!

if you are struggling through this process, know that it takes time. 

take a look at where you came from and where you are now. i can only hope you see progress. we have good days, we have bad days, BUT my worst days after are nowhere close to what they were before.

you can make it through!

reality check...

today was my 6 month post-op appointment, which is actually my 7 1/2 month post-op appointment. i wish i had good news...well who knows what kind of news this is. the reality is i look at worst case scenario and go from there. i'd rather be prepared than shocked, and at this point my worst case scenarios have been right...argh!

okay, back to news. i am scheduling, in the next couple days, another mri-arthrogram (remember my last one?). we will rule in or out whether my labrum has re-torn or not.

reality is, i simply want to know why at 7 months post-op i am in this much pain. if it means i have re-torn my labrum lets find it and fix it NOW.

the thought of going through another hip surgery is numbing. i don't really know how i feel about it. what is a new recovery going to be like? is this surgery going to make me better? if it solves my problem i want to go through it again, this time i hope it all works...

it is so hard to be content in all of this though. i've been trying really hard in the last couple weeks to find the silver lining. i can find things, but believing the silver lining as reality is still a process. i guess life was never meant to be easy. this is a fight i needed to have and i will keep fighting until i have some more answers and my body is pain free!

here's to a speedy process and answers...

7 month post-op

7 months post-op. wow. time flies, even when you're not having fun.

i am a little over a month into my second round of disability and learning to be still. with strict orders to only be moving and up for about 20 minutes in every hour, for a max of 4 hours in the day, i am truly going a little stir crazy. the reality is though that this time has been my saving grace.

with constant inflammation from april to the beginning of july, i didn't know how i was ever going to heal. it took a solid couple weeks for my hip to finally settle down. i can now say that with limited mobility i am feeling like a new person.

my muscles and tendons are starting to feel the effects of limited mobility, and shock when i try and push myself too hard. my joint is still easily inflamed and i am even sitting now in pain, but so much less so that a month ago. man, o, man how i hate that i am at the point i am in recovery, but blessed that i have the ability to recover. i get an income with disability, i live with my parents rent free, i have friends and a church community that loves me. i am blessed even in the midsts of what could be an even darker journey.

this process is long, and i don't know when my pain will end; but i hope i can hold onto the quiet  moments i have to rest, recover, and soak in moments not many people get. i have the opportunity to revive my weary body, mind and soul. i am blessed to have the time where i can prune a better me and come out of this process someone i could never have become without these forced moments of stillness.

looking up...

i write this blog for others to experience what life is like with femoroacetabular impingement (fai), what having a labral tear is like, what post-op life is like and everything in between. i also write this blog for myself. it is a good way to process through this journey, with my fingers tapping at my computer. i can pound away and the stress of it all rushes out of me.

i can't tell you how stressful this process has been for me.

the last few sleepless nights have led to exhaustion, but thankfully i have dealt with the disability process before and things are always easier the second time around. all phone calls have been made, and packets are on there ways to various departments for various importance...its hard to keep track...

i got a hold of the leave administration at work and was left with a load of relief. before contacting i was expecting to be left with no leave, no insurance, and ultimately no job...no nothing. thank goodness i made the call to cover my basis because when my family medical leave runs out (which i still have 3 weeks of!) i have medical leave! i don't necessarily have my old job back, but the company will do its best to place me when my disability is over. i don't know if my body can handle going back to my old job, but nonetheless i get to keep insurance (praise the Lord), and the benefits of still being with the company. huge stressor gone.

ultimately there are lights in this really dark tunnel. there is hope that things will get better and the reality is that this surgery and its recovery is unpredictable. everyone heals at a different pace and my pace might be a tad slower.

who knows what blessings in a really good disguise will come.

4 month anniversary...

it has officially been 4 months since i had surgery. what a trip all of this has been.

i've been back at work for a month, all of my billing has gone through (eek!), my scars are healing nicely and i'm settling into post-op life.

to be honest this post-op life is difficult. there is a fine balance, i haven't quite figured out, of activity and rest. the pain comes with too little or too much activity and the in between is the golden-zone where you feel almost normal again. i'm excited to find that place and stick there for a while.

work kicked be in the rear for the first two-weeks back. the first two weeks were riddled with intense pain as the request for 4-6 hour shifts was ignored and my weak and inflamed hip couldn't handle the 7 and 8 hours on my feet. with not many options, and a what is seeming to be a non-understanding boss, i'm left working 17 hours a week with probably no promise of more hours. i'm soon to loose health insurance and any financial stability in the wake of post-op recovery.

and oh the medical billing finally processed, gaining another $1,200+ in medical bills. i guess i was naive to actually think that when i asked pre-op if my large payment was all i had to pay that it really was all i had to pay. i'm slowly, or quickly i guess, gaining an air of stress that is only tempered by daily trips to dog beach in the fresh southern california sunshine and the knowledge that my hope doesn't rely in job fulfillment, financial security, or independence but; solely on my hope in Christ alone. my sanity would be gone, sometimes it leaves me for a few but, i've got something bigger to grasp onto than the consumption of all of this.

despite the debbie-downer mentality i hold onto here and there i've tried to get myself out there. i went to the railroad revival tour in san pedro, ca on the 22nd, i get outside for at least a few hours a day and i am on the search for a fresh new start in a new job (Lord willing).


i knew all of this was going to be a process but, i didn't realize to what extent my life wouldn't return to "normal", whatever that really is, post-op. i'm settling into the reality that at a year post-op i'll be feeling good, not 6 months. i'm realizing how much i need more patience and drive. i need to not settle into apathy and acceptance of all of this but, to actually push myself harder than i want to at times. i can be at a better place, happy and full of joy through this process. i don't have to wait for an arrival. i'm blessed to have been given a fix to my ailment while that isn't always the case for others.

here's to the journey!

3 months down...

it is three months down as of today; January 4 - April 4. what amazing progress has been made!

i feel like this has to be some amazing THREE MONTH update, but really i am so used to all of this that i forget what i should tell people. i am still in pain, i've improved a lot and ultimately i feel blessed!

there were a couple days there when i was in so much pain and so uncomfortable that i almost wrote about how horrible things were going; i am so glad i didn't! i don't want to look back on these posts and dwell on the hard parts of all of this. i want to remember progress i've made and focus on where i have been blessed in all of this.

the honesty about all of this though is that there are bad days; when the weather changes, when i'm fighting something, when my hormones change...my hip doesn't lie. neither foes the other one. my hips don't lie (hopefully you got the reference ;p). i'm definitely not at 100%, and i am still weaker than a baby, but my how i have progressed.

by now all of my soft tissue should be fully healed and the labrum fully attached, yay! those are exciting new progresses that have been made. it kind of gives you an idea also of why certain areas are still painful  and tender up until about three months. the body takes its sweet time knitting everything back together.

i was given some exercises to do by the husband of the couple that hosts the community group i go to through my church. it is amazing the resources that come out of the woodwork! i am excited to unpack the long list of things i can do to get myself healthy again. the fact that that is a possibility is amazing.

i have been going to dog beach at least twice a week, to walk around and get my dog's energy out. i've hiked once at mission trails, a tad nervous to go back as it was a chore for my body! i am trying to find activities i like to do, that i can do by myself or with the dog, all to get myself strong and healthy again...very hard to do!

so three months is down and hopefully only three more to go before i am 100% and then some!!!

four weeks post-op

i am officially four weeks post-op. wow, what a journey this has been. i'm starting to forget what pre-op was like. i am starting to forget what the last year of my life was like and kind of happy about that.

i had my four week post-op visit and my surgeon is so pleased. i am probably the best patient that he has seen, post-op, in the last four years of doing this surgery! my range of motion is amazing, we took an x-ray of the refined hip and it looks beautiful, and my pain level is doing astounding! i am pretty proud of where i'm at and then i am also reluctant to get too excited. i still think about all of the things i can't do yet, but try to relish in the things i can do.

i was given the go ahead on the stationary bike today and the go ahead for some stretching. i still shouldn't do too much knee to chest action or internal/external rotation, but i can start to, slowly, work up a sweat. six more weeks and he gives me the go ahead for a whole lot more.

the last day or two have been pretty achy, taking pain pills to sleep, but after the eventful weekend i had it doesn't surprise me. and with that i'm back to the reality of being at home. after an amazing two-weeks up in sierra madre recouping with my brother, his wife and their seven month old baby girl, it is hard to come back to a sense of responsibility and the feeling i need to meet goals. its like my sense of accomplishment has lowered and my need to do more to feel that has increased. i hope that the next 4-6 weeks off of work will be restful and productive in the way a one-hipped girl can be ;p

i am still limited in life, which is hard to deal with. i look like nothing happened to me so the special treatment is gone. this process of recovery is a roller-coaster. you feel amazing one day and the next two you pay for whatever it is you decided to do. it will be slow going from here, but holding onto what i can in the way of progress is going to be so important. and my progress has to be important to me; not the treatment, expectations or rallying from others. this journey is personal and only i can judge or know what it is like for me to recover, and know what i am or am not capable of.

slow and steady is going to win this race...

motate...two weeks post-op

i really can't believe it's two weeks post-op. i've had my ups and downs, hit some amazing goals, and been set back in many ways.

today was a great day, i trekked down to the local sierra madre coffee shop, beantown, with my brother and played a little cards to break up the monotony of the last few days. i used both crutches as the last few days have proven that i am very much still in recovery mode and very fragile. sunday and monday were a couple painful days. i had been doing pretty well listening to my body, taking it easy and being very cautious. i felt so good after taking such good care of myself that i overdid it on friday and saturday :|

yesterday and the day before i was taking at least two norco a day again and in no shape to get out and about or push myself. it was back to laying low, taking naps and sleeping 10 hours a night (if i remembered to take a pain pill...if not it's more like 2 and 2 again after 3 hours of fighting pain).

i just need to be realistic about the surgery i had done and know that a goal i should have is being completely off crutches by week 3 or 4, NOT 1 1/2!

i'm not a super hero and i need to be understanding to myself, all of this is going to take a lot of time and the reality is that i will be "normal" by six months to a year. there is a reason i have 8+ weeks off of work...i will need it!

i guess i can also talk about my scars and bruising too...eek! :|

the suture sites look great! i'm scabbed over a bit, but they are pretty good. i might start using mederma or such as the sites are getting dry. the bruising is fading, but amazingly still dark! i do bruise easily so i assume the bruising will be around for at least another week. one of the weirdest parts is how sensitive the  bruising and local area still is. i didn't expect my skin to be so sensitive...

all in all i am in a great place at two weeks. i'm up and about, in fairly good spirits (better than i thought), and managing pain. i'm blessed to be spending two weeks with my brother, his wife and my little 7 month old niece. her smile makes me feel much better.

here's to another 2 weeks, another 2 weeks of major recovery and more milestones!

1 week post op-day 8

i can't believe a week has passed. i am doing amazing! i did have a fall two days ago that left me crying for over 20 minutes and more than anything scared.

what would i do if i hurt myself and undid everything that was done in surgery. i reeled and thought i broke my hip or that i might be worse than before surgery. this was my first day home alone, there was no-one to help me and soothe my fragile, norco addicted/withdrawing brain. i was shaking, it was bad. i don't think i have ever been that scared, that menaced by an event. needless to say i was mighty sore yesterday, but am feeling like a new woman today!

Besides the "knotting" in my joint and minor pain i am doing really well. my energy is still low and i know when i out do myself, but today my friend "m" took me out of the house! i went to my starbucks and we even grabbed lunch and i sat at the restaurant, pretty much discomfort free, pretty much! I guess i don't have a lot of memory of my hip feeling good, so a day where i can actually sit! at a restaurant is a good day! pre-op i would second guess every trip out with friends that required me to sit. i would have to pop a pill to make it through, and i haven't taken anything today. i really can't believe it! okay, lets be honest, i'm exhausted now and i ache, but nothing like pre-op.

yesterday my friend a took be out of the house for fro yo and that was a stretch so to be out for about two hours today is amazing. now think of everything that was done to my hip, can you believe that i can walk without crutches today?!?

one thing i had mentioned was the norco withdraws. i've been on norco (10/325) for about 6-7 months. I've taken norco about 3+ times every days and am finally at a point where i don't need it but my body does. withdrawing makes me anxious, agitated, uncomfortable, and it brings on a pain that comes from nowhere. I'm down to, thankfully, just one at night. this is my worst pain time anyway, so its good i'm taking it then, but i'm hoping that tomorrow i can take half a dose and not withdraw in any way shape or form.

what an amazing procedure, and what amazing hands my surgeon has to be where i am now!

Post op day 4

This has been completely different than I thought it would be.

I'm up on my feet, with crutches, but up on my feet...okay every once and a while I don't use the crutches. I probably shouldn't do that yet.

The last few days have been a mark of improvement. Every morning I wake up and I have more muscle control, less pain, less swelling and I can function a bit more normal. I did push it the last two days, pushing myself to walk, stand, keep up with my family and baby niece; and am consequently exhausted today. I can sleep a 10+ hour night and feel well rested. It is amazing what the body needs after a surgery.

I'm looking forward to the small and big steps in my recovery. I really can't believe what I am capable of at day 4 post op.

Here's to speedy, and smooth recovery!

It's done...

Yesterday was the day! What a crazy ride it was!

Nerve block? Check!

Bone shaved? Check!

Labrum repaired? Check!

Breathing tube? Check!

Three hours under? Check!

Out of the hospital two hours after surgery is done? Check!

How insane it is that I was in my own bed less three hours after surgery? And let me tell you, this has not been the easiest of journeys.

The first thing I remember when waking up was the pain. Pain meds in my IV and two percoset (SP) took over an hour to make enough of a difference to want to go home. The pain gives me chills and makes me really cold, leaving the motivation to get up very low. Getting up is painful, I'm definitely swollen and the bruising is showing itself. I look pretty dynamic!

But, surgery went so well! Like I said before, surgery took over three hours and everything was addressed. Hip bone shaved, labrum sutured back to the bone, femur pulled out of the socket and shaved, and the joint around the side of my hip cleaned. Dr Powell is confident in the success of the surgery and so am I!

The staff that worked around me was amazing! Friendly, hilarious and one of my anesthisiologists was cute to boot! Too bad he saw me in compromising positions on the operating table!

This post has taken me all morning to write. The pain makes it hard to concentrate and I'm still exhausted, but I'm trying to keep my spirits up. I've only cried once due to a mix of nausea, shakes and pain. I consider that pretty good! :D

Here's to a speedy and FULL recovery!

peace...

Okay, t-minus 7 hours. I should be asleep, but I doubt the sleep I get is going to be very restful. I will be waiting for my 4:45am wake up call.

One of my good friend's R stopped by, we ate my "last supper" (I probably won't eat for a day or two), chatted and she prayed for me. I feel ready, at peace. This has been so long awaited in my mind, now that it is here it doesn't seem real; but it is! I am going to get my hip fixed!

Bring it on Dr. Powell!