"good" hip?

i really do hate the fact that i can still talk about my hips.

i am really discouraged as this journey has had so many ups and downs.

i think i underestimate my resilience and how strong i really am.

there are so many things i wish i could do though!

my birthday is coming up and i'm not excited. i can't go on an adventure without pain, i can't go play games on the beach, i can't go to Disneyland, i can't go kayaking in La Jolla Cove...ugh!

i have been going to physical therapy, for the past 7 weeks, and our conversation on tuesday was about the possibilities of what could be going on with my hips and when i should make an appt with my orthopedic. today, thursday at pt i was asked, so, did you make that appointment with your surgeon?
my current fears are more than anything for my good hip. i have to get my head around the possibility of another surgery if my labrum is tearing. as for my post-op hip, i just really want an answer for the pain.

i can't sleep through the night, and concentration is difficult. all i want to do is curl up with ice/heat, eat chocolate, and drink coffee/beer...can we say comfort items???

so in honor of looking on the bright side i want to share the top five items (no particular order) that are keeping me sane...

#1 | The Bachelor

don't judge too harshly.
it's mind numming, and all i need right now
is something to take my mind off of pain.

The Bachelor

#2 | White Collar

#3 | Red Hook Long Hammer IPA

#4 | coffee

especially coffee from boutique coffee roasters/shops...amazing!

#5 | chocolate

i don't discriminate...
preferably with caramel, or peanuts/peanut butter

seven weeks

i am over two years post op and the pain in my hips is becoming more of an issue.

i started pt, again, about 7 weeks ago.

i am really getting nervous as my "good" hip hurts and the "bad" hip is killing me.

i haven't slept through the night in 4 nights, and my emotionally state is quickly going to crumble...

the one thing that has been brought to my attention as a possible cause...or more like i have done research and want to see if this is the problem...is iliopsoas tendonitis.

i have a pain that gets worse after exercise, standing, sitting, etc. I feel the pain when i wear out the muscles and irritate the area. the pain is the worst one-two days after i exhaust the joint. the flair-ups take about a week or more to calm down.

i am definitely thankful for the mobility i do have, but am starting to hit the reality that what i am doing needs to be as minimal, as the joint and the iliopsoas are pretty angry when i am active...

so here is to drinking a beer, icing the hip, and convincing myself that everything will be okay...

http://www.arthroscopichipsurgeon.com/images/psoas-impingement.jpg

i am hoping no more labral tears are involved,
but i am assuming this is what my psoas is doing to my hip

8 1/2 months post-op (37 weeks!)

so i have been hesitant to write any updates. i don't want to jinx any progress!

the beginning of this month, pretty much right on my 8 month surgery anniversary, i woke up pain free. yes, you read that right...pain free.

now, see, the hesitance comes from my track record. my hip starts feeling better, i push it, and am then back to peg...way to far down the board, that i have lost hope in all of this too many times.

to be honest, i saw a glimmer of what my life IS going to look like. my muscles were loose, my joint was smooth, and i did not feel limited. it was really freeing. it made me realize how much i have been letting my physical limitation, especially pain, hold be back. the reality is that mechanically i am golden now. the pain i feel, once again, is tendons and muscles working and doing things they have not done in at least three months, more realistically closer to a year. my body is not working perfectly which brings about aches and pains, but with time this will all subside. i am thankful for the glimmer of what is to come and for the continued healing

this process has been depressing. the reality is that i am a fragile person. i may seem tough and together, but i am the one who is lulled to sleep by my anxiety.

the big breakthrough happened a few days after i finally, truly, gave up a lot of my worry. i finally rallied a troop of people to pray for me, i let go, and let God take control. i know it sounds so cheesy and cliche, but it was the only thing that has taken my mind off of my pain, given me a few good days and allowed me to free myself from the chains of this ordeal. it is so easy to get caught up in the circle of disappointment in all of this, but the reality is, i am blessed. i have insurance, my finances always iron out no matter how stressful, and i am taken care of.

i am still reminded that this has never been life or death. i am still in tact and matter of fact i am functioning better than i was 15 months ago.

while having coffee with a dear friend this morning i ran into a customer i have not see in a few months. he was thin, wearing a stocking cap with his stringy hair peeking out from underneath. we were chatting and catching up, and he so nicely asked me how i was doing with my hip, not working right now and he was encouraging about the benefits of a positive attitude in all of this. he pointed to his cap "this isn't a fashion statement".

i politely asked, "if you don't mind, can i ask what happened?"

"leukemia" he said.

a few months ago he started feeling neck and back pain, and a fever that spiked and fell consistently. two months ago he went to the ER and was in chemo the next day. the doctor told him if he would have waited two more weeks he wouldn't be alive.

i held it together, holding back tears and encouraged him at the end; and as he was turning to walk away i told him "i don't know if you subscribe to it, but i will be praying for you."

he stopped, and said "i do".

he told me he has had a lot of people praying for him. family, friends and a Bible study. he truly believes that after only two months of chemo, the only reasons why he is alive and in remission, yes! REMISSION, is that people have been praying and he has not allowed himself to pity the situation once!

i am blessed. i have never had the words, if you would have waited two more weeks you wouldn't be here.

i am blessed. i am in recovery, i am healing and my pain is less by the day.

i am blessed. i have a peace that passes all understanding in this, all when i let go and let God take care of me and my situation.

i am blessed.

confused...

i got the call from my surgeon today. i'm still wondering if it was good news or bad news. the build up for this last week has been hope for an answer. a definite answer as to why i am in this much pain.

good news is that my labrum and cartilage look great. everything is attached, no debris, looking good. the only abnormality, if that is even what you can call it that, is that the capsule is not healed yet. the capsule is removed/pulled away during surgery so that the surgeon can pull the femur out of the socket, and get to the femur and acetabulum for bone removal.

my surgeon doesn't usually do an mri-a at this point post-op so we really don't know what the capsule should look like. we are at a complete loss as to what might be causing me this much pain at this point. this is deflating. all i wanted was a, "this is what is causing the pain".

i am left with a waiting period and praying that things will settle down. my 3 months of disability may be extended and with no answers i am wondering what is next. i am completely confused and baffled by my body. just plain confused.

i will get in to see the pt, hopefully in the next two weeks, to see what we can do to get my body functioning properly again.

thankfully my hope is not in my abilities or what i can accomplish, but in the unseen. this is not the end all to be all. this is just the continuation of this journey. i have more to gain from this struggle and i don't want to miss the opportunity while i wallow in my pain.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1

do i realize?

only a couple days away from getting the mri-arthrogram, and hopefully some answers.

i'm nervous and antsy about this next step. what do the next couple months have in store? will i be going back in for surgery? will i have an answer?

i am also filling my thoughts with anxiety about how lonely this road is and is getting. it ends up being a lot of days where i am alone, and people are busy. i sometimes wish everyone else' lives would slow down just a tad so they could come over, we could watch a movie, eat dark chocolate, and paint our nails. i wish people could slow down their agendas to my pace. i wish i could interrupt their run for the night, or the every night hangout they have with their boyfriend...i wish i could interrupt what agenda people have and they could just slow down with me...selfish, yes, i know.

i am pretty sure i am pretty boring right now. i am low energy because of pain, i'm poor/on disability so i don't have a lot of expendable income, and i just don't feel fun...

i'm realizing that in all of this i am having to be okay with me. i hang out with me all day and i have to be okay with my thoughts, with my activities (or lack there of), i have to be okay with the fact that God allows us to suffer.

this was a breakthrough for me. i was realizing how NOT okay i was with the events of the last year and 3 months or so. i realized that i was inhibiting the possibility of growth in my doubts. with my bitterness i was stuck.

the reality is though that every moment i doubt i'm being taken care of God reminds me of just HOW taken care of i really am. none of this looks like i want it, or how i thought it would, but i am taken care of.

so...here's to a couple days of calming the angst and allowing for growth in all of this!

pain management...

or lack there of...

what options are there for pain management?

i'm up at 12:45 in pain and i am so tempted to grab a norco out of the medicine cabinet to dull the pain.

truth is, with how difficult of a time i had being on and getting off of norco before, i really don't want to start that cycle again.

i'll give it anther hour...

*addendum*

well I did it. I broke down. I cut back to a vicodin though.

Great part is it really helped with my pain. I could sleep. well, until I woke up nauseous at 4 and threw up twice by 5 this morning!

Needless to say I don't think I'm quite used to the hard drugs again, but I'm still debating if i'd rather throw up again or deal with pain...and I hate throwing up!

heat...

wow, i never thought i would be back to heating the hip and skipping out on things because i am in pain.

i am looking forward to my arthrogram, well not the actual procedure (i'm not crazy!), but excited because it will lead to answers. well, hopefully lead to answers.

i'm calling tomorrow to see if i can make my mri-a appt...*crossing fingers*

7 month post-op

7 months post-op. wow. time flies, even when you're not having fun.

i am a little over a month into my second round of disability and learning to be still. with strict orders to only be moving and up for about 20 minutes in every hour, for a max of 4 hours in the day, i am truly going a little stir crazy. the reality is though that this time has been my saving grace.

with constant inflammation from april to the beginning of july, i didn't know how i was ever going to heal. it took a solid couple weeks for my hip to finally settle down. i can now say that with limited mobility i am feeling like a new person.

my muscles and tendons are starting to feel the effects of limited mobility, and shock when i try and push myself too hard. my joint is still easily inflamed and i am even sitting now in pain, but so much less so that a month ago. man, o, man how i hate that i am at the point i am in recovery, but blessed that i have the ability to recover. i get an income with disability, i live with my parents rent free, i have friends and a church community that loves me. i am blessed even in the midsts of what could be an even darker journey.

this process is long, and i don't know when my pain will end; but i hope i can hold onto the quiet  moments i have to rest, recover, and soak in moments not many people get. i have the opportunity to revive my weary body, mind and soul. i am blessed to have the time where i can prune a better me and come out of this process someone i could never have become without these forced moments of stillness.

looking up...

i write this blog for others to experience what life is like with femoroacetabular impingement (fai), what having a labral tear is like, what post-op life is like and everything in between. i also write this blog for myself. it is a good way to process through this journey, with my fingers tapping at my computer. i can pound away and the stress of it all rushes out of me.

i can't tell you how stressful this process has been for me.

the last few sleepless nights have led to exhaustion, but thankfully i have dealt with the disability process before and things are always easier the second time around. all phone calls have been made, and packets are on there ways to various departments for various importance...its hard to keep track...

i got a hold of the leave administration at work and was left with a load of relief. before contacting i was expecting to be left with no leave, no insurance, and ultimately no job...no nothing. thank goodness i made the call to cover my basis because when my family medical leave runs out (which i still have 3 weeks of!) i have medical leave! i don't necessarily have my old job back, but the company will do its best to place me when my disability is over. i don't know if my body can handle going back to my old job, but nonetheless i get to keep insurance (praise the Lord), and the benefits of still being with the company. huge stressor gone.

ultimately there are lights in this really dark tunnel. there is hope that things will get better and the reality is that this surgery and its recovery is unpredictable. everyone heals at a different pace and my pace might be a tad slower.

who knows what blessings in a really good disguise will come.

almost 6 months post-op

i'm only a few days away from being 6 months post-op and i am back on disability.

i am deflated.

this has been a journey that hasn't left me with many ups, but a lot of downs. i know i will get there, i have to.

on tuesday evening i emailed my doctor with some questions about increasing pain and the request for a modified work status report. a work status report is the all poewerfull piece of paper that states exactly what you can and can't do at work and home. at the end of march when i returned to work i was back at full duty according to my work status report.

for the last few weeks, especially, i have been in increasing pain. and since i have not been able to work full duty since march i decided i should get on modifying my work status to what i am actually capable of doing at work. i also wanted to be covered under the american's with disabilities act.

thankfully my doctor responded by tuesday morning with his nurse calling me back that they had a completed work status for me. one things she also mentioned was that they modified it to work only 4 hours a day. this made me nervous. no matter how much pain i am in it is a catch to only be able to work 4 hours a day.

do i get partial disability? will i make enough money if not? i called back after work that afternoon and promptly picked up the work status at one of the closest orthopedics office. i sank as i read the work status report.

stand no more than 10 cumulative minutes every hour, for no more than 4 hours per day
walk no more than 10 cumulative minutes every hour, for no more than 4 hours per day

Limited standing/walking, no squatting, no heavy lifting/push or pull

being that my job requires me to stand and walk for 4-8 hours of the day and i have to squat, lift, push and pull all types of material i was deflated. one of the caviats to a work status report is that if your employer can't accept you go on temporary and full disibility.

i didn't sleep tuesday night. i was worried, scared, anxious.

how is all of this going to work out?

i went in early to work on wednesday and gave the paperwork to my boss. my work status report was denied.

one catch with this process is that i do not have any family, medical leave left. i can't take anymore leave from work, which means i can no longer be employed at my place of work. i will now loose my insurance, be left to find a job at the end of september and have no idea how i am going to pay bills or how any of this is going to work out.

pushing paper for myself is one of the most exhausting tasks. i am emotionally drained and the 5 phone calls i have to make today, in hopes things will clear up, are seeming meaningless.

i need to get on disability, i have to work on getting medi-cal so i have medical care while on disability...i know there is more and i'm burned out already.

this has been over a year of jumping through hoops, advocating for myself, getting paper pushed, care when i want and need it, and missing the mark on so many occasions. i'm ready for this to be over.

i hope that a good update comes soon. maybe after reading this in a few days i'll have realized some of the good in this situation and update on a lighter note. i guess the reality is though that this is reality. in the process of repairing fai and labral tears and surgery in general it isn't easy.

they aren't kidding when they tell you a hip replacement is easier than this!

5 months down the chute...

i am a little over a week out from five months post-op.

i feel great! but, i am in pain every day and worsens after a long day on my feet, any activity or the opposite of too little activity.

i'm really struggling with the balance of being immensely thankful to not be where i was pre-op, i need to constantly remind myself of how utterly horrible that place was; and still being in daily pain. i hear so many people who are back to normal activity after 4 weeks, doing yoga classes at 3 months...yadda, yadda, yadda. is it something wrong with my mentality? or is it really my body being sensitive to post-op recovery?

i flair up at least once a day, where i feel inflammation and ache from my lower back, down through the hip and down my shins. it is my daily exhaustion. it is a settling in my bones that i can't wait to dissipate. i don't feel like doing a 20 minute set on the stationary bike after working and feeling like that!

anybody, where is the compromise? when does the ache go away? when does your body allow you to go for more that 2 hours without a break?

the word is that at 6 months to a year you feel great. i'm not counting on six months and i'm not counting on a year either...am i counting on ever being able to run, or push myself to the limits again? not really.

i feel so selfish sometimes though. i saw a man walking on the beach yesterday, joints working out of sink, muscles with barely any mobility and yet he was booking it down the beach. how thankful should i be that my body works, mechanically, as it should now. how much should i let pain and the fear of more pain get in my way?

this is a struggle. it is a catch 22. the joy that i have the possibility of being a pain-free person again, yet the reality that i'm not there yet and it is going to take a lot more time. i just don't know what is going to happen in between and how i'm going to get to the place of pain-free.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.