"good" hip?

i really do hate the fact that i can still talk about my hips.

i am really discouraged as this journey has had so many ups and downs.

i think i underestimate my resilience and how strong i really am.

there are so many things i wish i could do though!

my birthday is coming up and i'm not excited. i can't go on an adventure without pain, i can't go play games on the beach, i can't go to Disneyland, i can't go kayaking in La Jolla Cove...ugh!

i have been going to physical therapy, for the past 7 weeks, and our conversation on tuesday was about the possibilities of what could be going on with my hips and when i should make an appt with my orthopedic. today, thursday at pt i was asked, so, did you make that appointment with your surgeon?
my current fears are more than anything for my good hip. i have to get my head around the possibility of another surgery if my labrum is tearing. as for my post-op hip, i just really want an answer for the pain.

i can't sleep through the night, and concentration is difficult. all i want to do is curl up with ice/heat, eat chocolate, and drink coffee/beer...can we say comfort items???

so in honor of looking on the bright side i want to share the top five items (no particular order) that are keeping me sane...

#1 | The Bachelor

don't judge too harshly.
it's mind numming, and all i need right now
is something to take my mind off of pain.

The Bachelor

#2 | White Collar

#3 | Red Hook Long Hammer IPA

#4 | coffee

especially coffee from boutique coffee roasters/shops...amazing!

#5 | chocolate

i don't discriminate...
preferably with caramel, or peanuts/peanut butter

ouch...

mri-a with flouroscopy #2, check!

i am hurting, and i broke down and took a vicodin to ease the pain. am i a big baby or are things really to this point???

the mri-a was a lot quicker this time around. the flourscopy, the x-ray guided injection into the hip joint, was half as long as the last time and hence half as painful. so thankful for that. the mri itself was the longest 30 minutes i've experienced in quite some time. talk about antsy at the end.

i am just thankful that i am 1 or 2 days away from some answers! will it be another surgery? i'm kind of bracing for that. all i want is a solution. if it's surgery, bring it on! if not, well hot dog!

here's to answers by friday!

and thank you everyone who has been praying for me. i am feeling the love and the peace. xoxo

OH, and a picture of my amazing healing scars. two of the three at least.

pain management...

or lack there of...

what options are there for pain management?

i'm up at 12:45 in pain and i am so tempted to grab a norco out of the medicine cabinet to dull the pain.

truth is, with how difficult of a time i had being on and getting off of norco before, i really don't want to start that cycle again.

i'll give it anther hour...

*addendum*

well I did it. I broke down. I cut back to a vicodin though.

Great part is it really helped with my pain. I could sleep. well, until I woke up nauseous at 4 and threw up twice by 5 this morning!

Needless to say I don't think I'm quite used to the hard drugs again, but I'm still debating if i'd rather throw up again or deal with pain...and I hate throwing up!

heat...

wow, i never thought i would be back to heating the hip and skipping out on things because i am in pain.

i am looking forward to my arthrogram, well not the actual procedure (i'm not crazy!), but excited because it will lead to answers. well, hopefully lead to answers.

i'm calling tomorrow to see if i can make my mri-a appt...*crossing fingers*

reality check...

today was my 6 month post-op appointment, which is actually my 7 1/2 month post-op appointment. i wish i had good news...well who knows what kind of news this is. the reality is i look at worst case scenario and go from there. i'd rather be prepared than shocked, and at this point my worst case scenarios have been right...argh!

okay, back to news. i am scheduling, in the next couple days, another mri-arthrogram (remember my last one?). we will rule in or out whether my labrum has re-torn or not.

reality is, i simply want to know why at 7 months post-op i am in this much pain. if it means i have re-torn my labrum lets find it and fix it NOW.

the thought of going through another hip surgery is numbing. i don't really know how i feel about it. what is a new recovery going to be like? is this surgery going to make me better? if it solves my problem i want to go through it again, this time i hope it all works...

it is so hard to be content in all of this though. i've been trying really hard in the last couple weeks to find the silver lining. i can find things, but believing the silver lining as reality is still a process. i guess life was never meant to be easy. this is a fight i needed to have and i will keep fighting until i have some more answers and my body is pain free!

here's to a speedy process and answers...

7 month post-op

7 months post-op. wow. time flies, even when you're not having fun.

i am a little over a month into my second round of disability and learning to be still. with strict orders to only be moving and up for about 20 minutes in every hour, for a max of 4 hours in the day, i am truly going a little stir crazy. the reality is though that this time has been my saving grace.

with constant inflammation from april to the beginning of july, i didn't know how i was ever going to heal. it took a solid couple weeks for my hip to finally settle down. i can now say that with limited mobility i am feeling like a new person.

my muscles and tendons are starting to feel the effects of limited mobility, and shock when i try and push myself too hard. my joint is still easily inflamed and i am even sitting now in pain, but so much less so that a month ago. man, o, man how i hate that i am at the point i am in recovery, but blessed that i have the ability to recover. i get an income with disability, i live with my parents rent free, i have friends and a church community that loves me. i am blessed even in the midsts of what could be an even darker journey.

this process is long, and i don't know when my pain will end; but i hope i can hold onto the quiet  moments i have to rest, recover, and soak in moments not many people get. i have the opportunity to revive my weary body, mind and soul. i am blessed to have the time where i can prune a better me and come out of this process someone i could never have become without these forced moments of stillness.

almost 6 months post-op

i'm only a few days away from being 6 months post-op and i am back on disability.

i am deflated.

this has been a journey that hasn't left me with many ups, but a lot of downs. i know i will get there, i have to.

on tuesday evening i emailed my doctor with some questions about increasing pain and the request for a modified work status report. a work status report is the all poewerfull piece of paper that states exactly what you can and can't do at work and home. at the end of march when i returned to work i was back at full duty according to my work status report.

for the last few weeks, especially, i have been in increasing pain. and since i have not been able to work full duty since march i decided i should get on modifying my work status to what i am actually capable of doing at work. i also wanted to be covered under the american's with disabilities act.

thankfully my doctor responded by tuesday morning with his nurse calling me back that they had a completed work status for me. one things she also mentioned was that they modified it to work only 4 hours a day. this made me nervous. no matter how much pain i am in it is a catch to only be able to work 4 hours a day.

do i get partial disability? will i make enough money if not? i called back after work that afternoon and promptly picked up the work status at one of the closest orthopedics office. i sank as i read the work status report.

stand no more than 10 cumulative minutes every hour, for no more than 4 hours per day
walk no more than 10 cumulative minutes every hour, for no more than 4 hours per day

Limited standing/walking, no squatting, no heavy lifting/push or pull

being that my job requires me to stand and walk for 4-8 hours of the day and i have to squat, lift, push and pull all types of material i was deflated. one of the caviats to a work status report is that if your employer can't accept you go on temporary and full disibility.

i didn't sleep tuesday night. i was worried, scared, anxious.

how is all of this going to work out?

i went in early to work on wednesday and gave the paperwork to my boss. my work status report was denied.

one catch with this process is that i do not have any family, medical leave left. i can't take anymore leave from work, which means i can no longer be employed at my place of work. i will now loose my insurance, be left to find a job at the end of september and have no idea how i am going to pay bills or how any of this is going to work out.

pushing paper for myself is one of the most exhausting tasks. i am emotionally drained and the 5 phone calls i have to make today, in hopes things will clear up, are seeming meaningless.

i need to get on disability, i have to work on getting medi-cal so i have medical care while on disability...i know there is more and i'm burned out already.

this has been over a year of jumping through hoops, advocating for myself, getting paper pushed, care when i want and need it, and missing the mark on so many occasions. i'm ready for this to be over.

i hope that a good update comes soon. maybe after reading this in a few days i'll have realized some of the good in this situation and update on a lighter note. i guess the reality is though that this is reality. in the process of repairing fai and labral tears and surgery in general it isn't easy.

they aren't kidding when they tell you a hip replacement is easier than this!

4 month anniversary...

it has officially been 4 months since i had surgery. what a trip all of this has been.

i've been back at work for a month, all of my billing has gone through (eek!), my scars are healing nicely and i'm settling into post-op life.

to be honest this post-op life is difficult. there is a fine balance, i haven't quite figured out, of activity and rest. the pain comes with too little or too much activity and the in between is the golden-zone where you feel almost normal again. i'm excited to find that place and stick there for a while.

work kicked be in the rear for the first two-weeks back. the first two weeks were riddled with intense pain as the request for 4-6 hour shifts was ignored and my weak and inflamed hip couldn't handle the 7 and 8 hours on my feet. with not many options, and a what is seeming to be a non-understanding boss, i'm left working 17 hours a week with probably no promise of more hours. i'm soon to loose health insurance and any financial stability in the wake of post-op recovery.

and oh the medical billing finally processed, gaining another $1,200+ in medical bills. i guess i was naive to actually think that when i asked pre-op if my large payment was all i had to pay that it really was all i had to pay. i'm slowly, or quickly i guess, gaining an air of stress that is only tempered by daily trips to dog beach in the fresh southern california sunshine and the knowledge that my hope doesn't rely in job fulfillment, financial security, or independence but; solely on my hope in Christ alone. my sanity would be gone, sometimes it leaves me for a few but, i've got something bigger to grasp onto than the consumption of all of this.

despite the debbie-downer mentality i hold onto here and there i've tried to get myself out there. i went to the railroad revival tour in san pedro, ca on the 22nd, i get outside for at least a few hours a day and i am on the search for a fresh new start in a new job (Lord willing).


i knew all of this was going to be a process but, i didn't realize to what extent my life wouldn't return to "normal", whatever that really is, post-op. i'm settling into the reality that at a year post-op i'll be feeling good, not 6 months. i'm realizing how much i need more patience and drive. i need to not settle into apathy and acceptance of all of this but, to actually push myself harder than i want to at times. i can be at a better place, happy and full of joy through this process. i don't have to wait for an arrival. i'm blessed to have been given a fix to my ailment while that isn't always the case for others.

here's to the journey!

3 weeks post-op

i get emotional thinking about what life was like 4 weeks ago. i am hesitant to get too excited about how well i'm doing as i am only 3 weeks post and so much could still happen.

a look back...           
                                   
four weeks ago i was in chronic, debilitating pain. i was daily taking Norco (2x vicodin) to mildly alleviate my pain, second guessing everywhere i went and everything i did. i couldn't work out. i could barely make it through work. i didn't want to go out as the discomfort would overshadow the fun i could have. i was being controlled by my fai and labral tear.

now i am making strides. i want to get out. i want to push the limits and get going again. i am not taking pain meds but if i feel the need, i'll take some aleve to help with the aches. life is moving again. i feel like i can think about what i am going to be doing this summer as apposed to worrying about how my pain and injury is going to prohibit me from walking on the beach, from walking on the beach!!! now i want to try it. how is it going to feel? is my hip going to hate me or love me for making it work?

i'm officially off crutches! i am hesitant, i guess you can't tell by the exclamation of excitement, but i am. is it okay that i'm putting that much pressure on the joint? i have walked down the block to coffee and yogurt three time!!! without my crutches. okay it is less than half of a mile, but i'll take it! it is more than half a mile round trip ;p

i am second guessing and emailed my surgeons office and looked over countless blog forums, making sure i'm doing okay. am i doing okay???

there are aches, stiffness and a lack of range of motion, but it is a pretty nice trade off. it is a nice trade off because all of this will dissipate. i was feeling confident and attempted some leg lifts...guess what? there was NO catching, NO popping and ultimately NO pain in an attempt to tackle this atrophy! i am starting to see the light. regardless i have NO MORE impingement!!! this will hopefully help my tear heal and allow for a fully functioning and mobile hip.


what a stark contrast from now and four weeks ago! i am blessed to have this opportunity to repair a problem and restore my body to a body that functions!


should i set a goal for a mud run this oct/nov??? too lofty of a dream? i hope not!


*addendum*


i am feeling the increase in activity due to the increase in pain level. i've also noticed my right hip-good hip-is not happy with the extra work it is involved in. i went on a walk today (about a mile total roundtrip!), but with one crutch. my body was telling me that no crutches today would have been a bad idea, so glad i listened! there is a pain on the outside of the hip with aching and burning, and the incision sites, deep, feel the ache as well. the pain reaches down through my knee, front and back as well. my body is pooped!

i am so glad i am where i am at and realizing that these days will come and go through the healing process. i am not invincible and the best medicine through all of this will be my own honesty about where my body is at. i whole-heartedly believe that building up my body, getting my blood flowing and increasing my progress daily is the best, but all in all, with moderation...

motate...two weeks post-op

i really can't believe it's two weeks post-op. i've had my ups and downs, hit some amazing goals, and been set back in many ways.

today was a great day, i trekked down to the local sierra madre coffee shop, beantown, with my brother and played a little cards to break up the monotony of the last few days. i used both crutches as the last few days have proven that i am very much still in recovery mode and very fragile. sunday and monday were a couple painful days. i had been doing pretty well listening to my body, taking it easy and being very cautious. i felt so good after taking such good care of myself that i overdid it on friday and saturday :|

yesterday and the day before i was taking at least two norco a day again and in no shape to get out and about or push myself. it was back to laying low, taking naps and sleeping 10 hours a night (if i remembered to take a pain pill...if not it's more like 2 and 2 again after 3 hours of fighting pain).

i just need to be realistic about the surgery i had done and know that a goal i should have is being completely off crutches by week 3 or 4, NOT 1 1/2!

i'm not a super hero and i need to be understanding to myself, all of this is going to take a lot of time and the reality is that i will be "normal" by six months to a year. there is a reason i have 8+ weeks off of work...i will need it!

i guess i can also talk about my scars and bruising too...eek! :|

the suture sites look great! i'm scabbed over a bit, but they are pretty good. i might start using mederma or such as the sites are getting dry. the bruising is fading, but amazingly still dark! i do bruise easily so i assume the bruising will be around for at least another week. one of the weirdest parts is how sensitive the  bruising and local area still is. i didn't expect my skin to be so sensitive...

all in all i am in a great place at two weeks. i'm up and about, in fairly good spirits (better than i thought), and managing pain. i'm blessed to be spending two weeks with my brother, his wife and my little 7 month old niece. her smile makes me feel much better.

here's to another 2 weeks, another 2 weeks of major recovery and more milestones!

1 week post op-day 8

i can't believe a week has passed. i am doing amazing! i did have a fall two days ago that left me crying for over 20 minutes and more than anything scared.

what would i do if i hurt myself and undid everything that was done in surgery. i reeled and thought i broke my hip or that i might be worse than before surgery. this was my first day home alone, there was no-one to help me and soothe my fragile, norco addicted/withdrawing brain. i was shaking, it was bad. i don't think i have ever been that scared, that menaced by an event. needless to say i was mighty sore yesterday, but am feeling like a new woman today!

Besides the "knotting" in my joint and minor pain i am doing really well. my energy is still low and i know when i out do myself, but today my friend "m" took me out of the house! i went to my starbucks and we even grabbed lunch and i sat at the restaurant, pretty much discomfort free, pretty much! I guess i don't have a lot of memory of my hip feeling good, so a day where i can actually sit! at a restaurant is a good day! pre-op i would second guess every trip out with friends that required me to sit. i would have to pop a pill to make it through, and i haven't taken anything today. i really can't believe it! okay, lets be honest, i'm exhausted now and i ache, but nothing like pre-op.

yesterday my friend a took be out of the house for fro yo and that was a stretch so to be out for about two hours today is amazing. now think of everything that was done to my hip, can you believe that i can walk without crutches today?!?

one thing i had mentioned was the norco withdraws. i've been on norco (10/325) for about 6-7 months. I've taken norco about 3+ times every days and am finally at a point where i don't need it but my body does. withdrawing makes me anxious, agitated, uncomfortable, and it brings on a pain that comes from nowhere. I'm down to, thankfully, just one at night. this is my worst pain time anyway, so its good i'm taking it then, but i'm hoping that tomorrow i can take half a dose and not withdraw in any way shape or form.

what an amazing procedure, and what amazing hands my surgeon has to be where i am now!

Post op day 4

This has been completely different than I thought it would be.

I'm up on my feet, with crutches, but up on my feet...okay every once and a while I don't use the crutches. I probably shouldn't do that yet.

The last few days have been a mark of improvement. Every morning I wake up and I have more muscle control, less pain, less swelling and I can function a bit more normal. I did push it the last two days, pushing myself to walk, stand, keep up with my family and baby niece; and am consequently exhausted today. I can sleep a 10+ hour night and feel well rested. It is amazing what the body needs after a surgery.

I'm looking forward to the small and big steps in my recovery. I really can't believe what I am capable of at day 4 post op.

Here's to speedy, and smooth recovery!

It's done...

Yesterday was the day! What a crazy ride it was!

Nerve block? Check!

Bone shaved? Check!

Labrum repaired? Check!

Breathing tube? Check!

Three hours under? Check!

Out of the hospital two hours after surgery is done? Check!

How insane it is that I was in my own bed less three hours after surgery? And let me tell you, this has not been the easiest of journeys.

The first thing I remember when waking up was the pain. Pain meds in my IV and two percoset (SP) took over an hour to make enough of a difference to want to go home. The pain gives me chills and makes me really cold, leaving the motivation to get up very low. Getting up is painful, I'm definitely swollen and the bruising is showing itself. I look pretty dynamic!

But, surgery went so well! Like I said before, surgery took over three hours and everything was addressed. Hip bone shaved, labrum sutured back to the bone, femur pulled out of the socket and shaved, and the joint around the side of my hip cleaned. Dr Powell is confident in the success of the surgery and so am I!

The staff that worked around me was amazing! Friendly, hilarious and one of my anesthisiologists was cute to boot! Too bad he saw me in compromising positions on the operating table!

This post has taken me all morning to write. The pain makes it hard to concentrate and I'm still exhausted, but I'm trying to keep my spirits up. I've only cried once due to a mix of nausea, shakes and pain. I consider that pretty good! :D

Here's to a speedy and FULL recovery!

more rain...

I hate being a debbie downer, but nothing like a rainy day to increase the pain level. It feels like there is a foreign object inserted in the joint, my inflammation is that bad today!

I can tell you though that the nicest people have come out of all off this. One of my customers, an older woman who had a hip replacement, has offered me her walker and cain if i need it. My new friends are the older women who've had hip replacements...i would have never guessed...

17 days and I'm on the recovery side of this!