"good" hip?

i really do hate the fact that i can still talk about my hips.

i am really discouraged as this journey has had so many ups and downs.

i think i underestimate my resilience and how strong i really am.

there are so many things i wish i could do though!

my birthday is coming up and i'm not excited. i can't go on an adventure without pain, i can't go play games on the beach, i can't go to Disneyland, i can't go kayaking in La Jolla Cove...ugh!

i have been going to physical therapy, for the past 7 weeks, and our conversation on tuesday was about the possibilities of what could be going on with my hips and when i should make an appt with my orthopedic. today, thursday at pt i was asked, so, did you make that appointment with your surgeon?
my current fears are more than anything for my good hip. i have to get my head around the possibility of another surgery if my labrum is tearing. as for my post-op hip, i just really want an answer for the pain.

i can't sleep through the night, and concentration is difficult. all i want to do is curl up with ice/heat, eat chocolate, and drink coffee/beer...can we say comfort items???

so in honor of looking on the bright side i want to share the top five items (no particular order) that are keeping me sane...

#1 | The Bachelor

don't judge too harshly.
it's mind numming, and all i need right now
is something to take my mind off of pain.

The Bachelor

#2 | White Collar

#3 | Red Hook Long Hammer IPA

#4 | coffee

especially coffee from boutique coffee roasters/shops...amazing!

#5 | chocolate

i don't discriminate...
preferably with caramel, or peanuts/peanut butter

reality check...

today was my 6 month post-op appointment, which is actually my 7 1/2 month post-op appointment. i wish i had good news...well who knows what kind of news this is. the reality is i look at worst case scenario and go from there. i'd rather be prepared than shocked, and at this point my worst case scenarios have been right...argh!

okay, back to news. i am scheduling, in the next couple days, another mri-arthrogram (remember my last one?). we will rule in or out whether my labrum has re-torn or not.

reality is, i simply want to know why at 7 months post-op i am in this much pain. if it means i have re-torn my labrum lets find it and fix it NOW.

the thought of going through another hip surgery is numbing. i don't really know how i feel about it. what is a new recovery going to be like? is this surgery going to make me better? if it solves my problem i want to go through it again, this time i hope it all works...

it is so hard to be content in all of this though. i've been trying really hard in the last couple weeks to find the silver lining. i can find things, but believing the silver lining as reality is still a process. i guess life was never meant to be easy. this is a fight i needed to have and i will keep fighting until i have some more answers and my body is pain free!

here's to a speedy process and answers...

7 month post-op

7 months post-op. wow. time flies, even when you're not having fun.

i am a little over a month into my second round of disability and learning to be still. with strict orders to only be moving and up for about 20 minutes in every hour, for a max of 4 hours in the day, i am truly going a little stir crazy. the reality is though that this time has been my saving grace.

with constant inflammation from april to the beginning of july, i didn't know how i was ever going to heal. it took a solid couple weeks for my hip to finally settle down. i can now say that with limited mobility i am feeling like a new person.

my muscles and tendons are starting to feel the effects of limited mobility, and shock when i try and push myself too hard. my joint is still easily inflamed and i am even sitting now in pain, but so much less so that a month ago. man, o, man how i hate that i am at the point i am in recovery, but blessed that i have the ability to recover. i get an income with disability, i live with my parents rent free, i have friends and a church community that loves me. i am blessed even in the midsts of what could be an even darker journey.

this process is long, and i don't know when my pain will end; but i hope i can hold onto the quiet  moments i have to rest, recover, and soak in moments not many people get. i have the opportunity to revive my weary body, mind and soul. i am blessed to have the time where i can prune a better me and come out of this process someone i could never have become without these forced moments of stillness.

looking up...

i write this blog for others to experience what life is like with femoroacetabular impingement (fai), what having a labral tear is like, what post-op life is like and everything in between. i also write this blog for myself. it is a good way to process through this journey, with my fingers tapping at my computer. i can pound away and the stress of it all rushes out of me.

i can't tell you how stressful this process has been for me.

the last few sleepless nights have led to exhaustion, but thankfully i have dealt with the disability process before and things are always easier the second time around. all phone calls have been made, and packets are on there ways to various departments for various importance...its hard to keep track...

i got a hold of the leave administration at work and was left with a load of relief. before contacting i was expecting to be left with no leave, no insurance, and ultimately no job...no nothing. thank goodness i made the call to cover my basis because when my family medical leave runs out (which i still have 3 weeks of!) i have medical leave! i don't necessarily have my old job back, but the company will do its best to place me when my disability is over. i don't know if my body can handle going back to my old job, but nonetheless i get to keep insurance (praise the Lord), and the benefits of still being with the company. huge stressor gone.

ultimately there are lights in this really dark tunnel. there is hope that things will get better and the reality is that this surgery and its recovery is unpredictable. everyone heals at a different pace and my pace might be a tad slower.

who knows what blessings in a really good disguise will come.

almost 6 months post-op

i'm only a few days away from being 6 months post-op and i am back on disability.

i am deflated.

this has been a journey that hasn't left me with many ups, but a lot of downs. i know i will get there, i have to.

on tuesday evening i emailed my doctor with some questions about increasing pain and the request for a modified work status report. a work status report is the all poewerfull piece of paper that states exactly what you can and can't do at work and home. at the end of march when i returned to work i was back at full duty according to my work status report.

for the last few weeks, especially, i have been in increasing pain. and since i have not been able to work full duty since march i decided i should get on modifying my work status to what i am actually capable of doing at work. i also wanted to be covered under the american's with disabilities act.

thankfully my doctor responded by tuesday morning with his nurse calling me back that they had a completed work status for me. one things she also mentioned was that they modified it to work only 4 hours a day. this made me nervous. no matter how much pain i am in it is a catch to only be able to work 4 hours a day.

do i get partial disability? will i make enough money if not? i called back after work that afternoon and promptly picked up the work status at one of the closest orthopedics office. i sank as i read the work status report.

stand no more than 10 cumulative minutes every hour, for no more than 4 hours per day
walk no more than 10 cumulative minutes every hour, for no more than 4 hours per day

Limited standing/walking, no squatting, no heavy lifting/push or pull

being that my job requires me to stand and walk for 4-8 hours of the day and i have to squat, lift, push and pull all types of material i was deflated. one of the caviats to a work status report is that if your employer can't accept you go on temporary and full disibility.

i didn't sleep tuesday night. i was worried, scared, anxious.

how is all of this going to work out?

i went in early to work on wednesday and gave the paperwork to my boss. my work status report was denied.

one catch with this process is that i do not have any family, medical leave left. i can't take anymore leave from work, which means i can no longer be employed at my place of work. i will now loose my insurance, be left to find a job at the end of september and have no idea how i am going to pay bills or how any of this is going to work out.

pushing paper for myself is one of the most exhausting tasks. i am emotionally drained and the 5 phone calls i have to make today, in hopes things will clear up, are seeming meaningless.

i need to get on disability, i have to work on getting medi-cal so i have medical care while on disability...i know there is more and i'm burned out already.

this has been over a year of jumping through hoops, advocating for myself, getting paper pushed, care when i want and need it, and missing the mark on so many occasions. i'm ready for this to be over.

i hope that a good update comes soon. maybe after reading this in a few days i'll have realized some of the good in this situation and update on a lighter note. i guess the reality is though that this is reality. in the process of repairing fai and labral tears and surgery in general it isn't easy.

they aren't kidding when they tell you a hip replacement is easier than this!

5 months down the chute...

i am a little over a week out from five months post-op.

i feel great! but, i am in pain every day and worsens after a long day on my feet, any activity or the opposite of too little activity.

i'm really struggling with the balance of being immensely thankful to not be where i was pre-op, i need to constantly remind myself of how utterly horrible that place was; and still being in daily pain. i hear so many people who are back to normal activity after 4 weeks, doing yoga classes at 3 months...yadda, yadda, yadda. is it something wrong with my mentality? or is it really my body being sensitive to post-op recovery?

i flair up at least once a day, where i feel inflammation and ache from my lower back, down through the hip and down my shins. it is my daily exhaustion. it is a settling in my bones that i can't wait to dissipate. i don't feel like doing a 20 minute set on the stationary bike after working and feeling like that!

anybody, where is the compromise? when does the ache go away? when does your body allow you to go for more that 2 hours without a break?

the word is that at 6 months to a year you feel great. i'm not counting on six months and i'm not counting on a year either...am i counting on ever being able to run, or push myself to the limits again? not really.

i feel so selfish sometimes though. i saw a man walking on the beach yesterday, joints working out of sink, muscles with barely any mobility and yet he was booking it down the beach. how thankful should i be that my body works, mechanically, as it should now. how much should i let pain and the fear of more pain get in my way?

this is a struggle. it is a catch 22. the joy that i have the possibility of being a pain-free person again, yet the reality that i'm not there yet and it is going to take a lot more time. i just don't know what is going to happen in between and how i'm going to get to the place of pain-free.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

4 month anniversary...

it has officially been 4 months since i had surgery. what a trip all of this has been.

i've been back at work for a month, all of my billing has gone through (eek!), my scars are healing nicely and i'm settling into post-op life.

to be honest this post-op life is difficult. there is a fine balance, i haven't quite figured out, of activity and rest. the pain comes with too little or too much activity and the in between is the golden-zone where you feel almost normal again. i'm excited to find that place and stick there for a while.

work kicked be in the rear for the first two-weeks back. the first two weeks were riddled with intense pain as the request for 4-6 hour shifts was ignored and my weak and inflamed hip couldn't handle the 7 and 8 hours on my feet. with not many options, and a what is seeming to be a non-understanding boss, i'm left working 17 hours a week with probably no promise of more hours. i'm soon to loose health insurance and any financial stability in the wake of post-op recovery.

and oh the medical billing finally processed, gaining another $1,200+ in medical bills. i guess i was naive to actually think that when i asked pre-op if my large payment was all i had to pay that it really was all i had to pay. i'm slowly, or quickly i guess, gaining an air of stress that is only tempered by daily trips to dog beach in the fresh southern california sunshine and the knowledge that my hope doesn't rely in job fulfillment, financial security, or independence but; solely on my hope in Christ alone. my sanity would be gone, sometimes it leaves me for a few but, i've got something bigger to grasp onto than the consumption of all of this.

despite the debbie-downer mentality i hold onto here and there i've tried to get myself out there. i went to the railroad revival tour in san pedro, ca on the 22nd, i get outside for at least a few hours a day and i am on the search for a fresh new start in a new job (Lord willing).


i knew all of this was going to be a process but, i didn't realize to what extent my life wouldn't return to "normal", whatever that really is, post-op. i'm settling into the reality that at a year post-op i'll be feeling good, not 6 months. i'm realizing how much i need more patience and drive. i need to not settle into apathy and acceptance of all of this but, to actually push myself harder than i want to at times. i can be at a better place, happy and full of joy through this process. i don't have to wait for an arrival. i'm blessed to have been given a fix to my ailment while that isn't always the case for others.

here's to the journey!

physical therapy...

this has been a long haul so far. i get discouraged easily and i get worn out from the constant something with my hip. i know that the atrophy is not getting better, and the first two weeks of work set me back a few. i started out a little too strong out the gate and have crashed! i'm back to only 4-6 hours on my feet and i'm starting a stretching and exercise routine for the specific areas i am weak in. what a difference 2 days has made! the second day of doing the routine and my bodies muscle memory is already kicking in. i could do up to 10 in a row versus the 3!!! i could do the first day! i can already tell what a difference this is going to make in my stamina, strength and in lessening my pain level. thank you rebecca!

my pt routine stuck to the fridge :)

3 months down...

it is three months down as of today; January 4 - April 4. what amazing progress has been made!

i feel like this has to be some amazing THREE MONTH update, but really i am so used to all of this that i forget what i should tell people. i am still in pain, i've improved a lot and ultimately i feel blessed!

there were a couple days there when i was in so much pain and so uncomfortable that i almost wrote about how horrible things were going; i am so glad i didn't! i don't want to look back on these posts and dwell on the hard parts of all of this. i want to remember progress i've made and focus on where i have been blessed in all of this.

the honesty about all of this though is that there are bad days; when the weather changes, when i'm fighting something, when my hormones change...my hip doesn't lie. neither foes the other one. my hips don't lie (hopefully you got the reference ;p). i'm definitely not at 100%, and i am still weaker than a baby, but my how i have progressed.

by now all of my soft tissue should be fully healed and the labrum fully attached, yay! those are exciting new progresses that have been made. it kind of gives you an idea also of why certain areas are still painful  and tender up until about three months. the body takes its sweet time knitting everything back together.

i was given some exercises to do by the husband of the couple that hosts the community group i go to through my church. it is amazing the resources that come out of the woodwork! i am excited to unpack the long list of things i can do to get myself healthy again. the fact that that is a possibility is amazing.

i have been going to dog beach at least twice a week, to walk around and get my dog's energy out. i've hiked once at mission trails, a tad nervous to go back as it was a chore for my body! i am trying to find activities i like to do, that i can do by myself or with the dog, all to get myself strong and healthy again...very hard to do!

so three months is down and hopefully only three more to go before i am 100% and then some!!!

four weeks post-op

i am officially four weeks post-op. wow, what a journey this has been. i'm starting to forget what pre-op was like. i am starting to forget what the last year of my life was like and kind of happy about that.

i had my four week post-op visit and my surgeon is so pleased. i am probably the best patient that he has seen, post-op, in the last four years of doing this surgery! my range of motion is amazing, we took an x-ray of the refined hip and it looks beautiful, and my pain level is doing astounding! i am pretty proud of where i'm at and then i am also reluctant to get too excited. i still think about all of the things i can't do yet, but try to relish in the things i can do.

i was given the go ahead on the stationary bike today and the go ahead for some stretching. i still shouldn't do too much knee to chest action or internal/external rotation, but i can start to, slowly, work up a sweat. six more weeks and he gives me the go ahead for a whole lot more.

the last day or two have been pretty achy, taking pain pills to sleep, but after the eventful weekend i had it doesn't surprise me. and with that i'm back to the reality of being at home. after an amazing two-weeks up in sierra madre recouping with my brother, his wife and their seven month old baby girl, it is hard to come back to a sense of responsibility and the feeling i need to meet goals. its like my sense of accomplishment has lowered and my need to do more to feel that has increased. i hope that the next 4-6 weeks off of work will be restful and productive in the way a one-hipped girl can be ;p

i am still limited in life, which is hard to deal with. i look like nothing happened to me so the special treatment is gone. this process of recovery is a roller-coaster. you feel amazing one day and the next two you pay for whatever it is you decided to do. it will be slow going from here, but holding onto what i can in the way of progress is going to be so important. and my progress has to be important to me; not the treatment, expectations or rallying from others. this journey is personal and only i can judge or know what it is like for me to recover, and know what i am or am not capable of.

slow and steady is going to win this race...

motate...two weeks post-op

i really can't believe it's two weeks post-op. i've had my ups and downs, hit some amazing goals, and been set back in many ways.

today was a great day, i trekked down to the local sierra madre coffee shop, beantown, with my brother and played a little cards to break up the monotony of the last few days. i used both crutches as the last few days have proven that i am very much still in recovery mode and very fragile. sunday and monday were a couple painful days. i had been doing pretty well listening to my body, taking it easy and being very cautious. i felt so good after taking such good care of myself that i overdid it on friday and saturday :|

yesterday and the day before i was taking at least two norco a day again and in no shape to get out and about or push myself. it was back to laying low, taking naps and sleeping 10 hours a night (if i remembered to take a pain pill...if not it's more like 2 and 2 again after 3 hours of fighting pain).

i just need to be realistic about the surgery i had done and know that a goal i should have is being completely off crutches by week 3 or 4, NOT 1 1/2!

i'm not a super hero and i need to be understanding to myself, all of this is going to take a lot of time and the reality is that i will be "normal" by six months to a year. there is a reason i have 8+ weeks off of work...i will need it!

i guess i can also talk about my scars and bruising too...eek! :|

the suture sites look great! i'm scabbed over a bit, but they are pretty good. i might start using mederma or such as the sites are getting dry. the bruising is fading, but amazingly still dark! i do bruise easily so i assume the bruising will be around for at least another week. one of the weirdest parts is how sensitive the  bruising and local area still is. i didn't expect my skin to be so sensitive...

all in all i am in a great place at two weeks. i'm up and about, in fairly good spirits (better than i thought), and managing pain. i'm blessed to be spending two weeks with my brother, his wife and my little 7 month old niece. her smile makes me feel much better.

here's to another 2 weeks, another 2 weeks of major recovery and more milestones!

1 week post op-day 8

i can't believe a week has passed. i am doing amazing! i did have a fall two days ago that left me crying for over 20 minutes and more than anything scared.

what would i do if i hurt myself and undid everything that was done in surgery. i reeled and thought i broke my hip or that i might be worse than before surgery. this was my first day home alone, there was no-one to help me and soothe my fragile, norco addicted/withdrawing brain. i was shaking, it was bad. i don't think i have ever been that scared, that menaced by an event. needless to say i was mighty sore yesterday, but am feeling like a new woman today!

Besides the "knotting" in my joint and minor pain i am doing really well. my energy is still low and i know when i out do myself, but today my friend "m" took me out of the house! i went to my starbucks and we even grabbed lunch and i sat at the restaurant, pretty much discomfort free, pretty much! I guess i don't have a lot of memory of my hip feeling good, so a day where i can actually sit! at a restaurant is a good day! pre-op i would second guess every trip out with friends that required me to sit. i would have to pop a pill to make it through, and i haven't taken anything today. i really can't believe it! okay, lets be honest, i'm exhausted now and i ache, but nothing like pre-op.

yesterday my friend a took be out of the house for fro yo and that was a stretch so to be out for about two hours today is amazing. now think of everything that was done to my hip, can you believe that i can walk without crutches today?!?

one thing i had mentioned was the norco withdraws. i've been on norco (10/325) for about 6-7 months. I've taken norco about 3+ times every days and am finally at a point where i don't need it but my body does. withdrawing makes me anxious, agitated, uncomfortable, and it brings on a pain that comes from nowhere. I'm down to, thankfully, just one at night. this is my worst pain time anyway, so its good i'm taking it then, but i'm hoping that tomorrow i can take half a dose and not withdraw in any way shape or form.

what an amazing procedure, and what amazing hands my surgeon has to be where i am now!

Post op day 4

This has been completely different than I thought it would be.

I'm up on my feet, with crutches, but up on my feet...okay every once and a while I don't use the crutches. I probably shouldn't do that yet.

The last few days have been a mark of improvement. Every morning I wake up and I have more muscle control, less pain, less swelling and I can function a bit more normal. I did push it the last two days, pushing myself to walk, stand, keep up with my family and baby niece; and am consequently exhausted today. I can sleep a 10+ hour night and feel well rested. It is amazing what the body needs after a surgery.

I'm looking forward to the small and big steps in my recovery. I really can't believe what I am capable of at day 4 post op.

Here's to speedy, and smooth recovery!

It's done...

Yesterday was the day! What a crazy ride it was!

Nerve block? Check!

Bone shaved? Check!

Labrum repaired? Check!

Breathing tube? Check!

Three hours under? Check!

Out of the hospital two hours after surgery is done? Check!

How insane it is that I was in my own bed less three hours after surgery? And let me tell you, this has not been the easiest of journeys.

The first thing I remember when waking up was the pain. Pain meds in my IV and two percoset (SP) took over an hour to make enough of a difference to want to go home. The pain gives me chills and makes me really cold, leaving the motivation to get up very low. Getting up is painful, I'm definitely swollen and the bruising is showing itself. I look pretty dynamic!

But, surgery went so well! Like I said before, surgery took over three hours and everything was addressed. Hip bone shaved, labrum sutured back to the bone, femur pulled out of the socket and shaved, and the joint around the side of my hip cleaned. Dr Powell is confident in the success of the surgery and so am I!

The staff that worked around me was amazing! Friendly, hilarious and one of my anesthisiologists was cute to boot! Too bad he saw me in compromising positions on the operating table!

This post has taken me all morning to write. The pain makes it hard to concentrate and I'm still exhausted, but I'm trying to keep my spirits up. I've only cried once due to a mix of nausea, shakes and pain. I consider that pretty good! :D

Here's to a speedy and FULL recovery!

peace...

Okay, t-minus 7 hours. I should be asleep, but I doubt the sleep I get is going to be very restful. I will be waiting for my 4:45am wake up call.

One of my good friend's R stopped by, we ate my "last supper" (I probably won't eat for a day or two), chatted and she prayed for me. I feel ready, at peace. This has been so long awaited in my mind, now that it is here it doesn't seem real; but it is! I am going to get my hip fixed!

Bring it on Dr. Powell!

the time is now...

Less than 48 hours and the process will begin. I cannot believe I am finally here. Though with that comes a mix, a cacophony of emotions.

A sigh of relief, I’m here!

Bouts of anxiety, oh my gosh what am I doing?

Peace, the timing is right…I’m going to be okay.

I still wonder if this is going to be a success, how bad is the pain going to be, am I going to battle depression through this, are people really going to be there for me-are they going to forget about me? I never really admit that I’m a doubter, well okay maybe I am now, but I always hold a place that keeps a low expectation of what is going to happen. This is a place where I self deprecate, and do the same for others; things really aren’t going to work out, I’m going to be let down, someone’s going to fall through. I don’t want to keep low expectations, but I don’t want to expect too much. Basically, I don’t want to get to a place where I spiral in disappointment; but I am left in perpetual disappointment in this headspace, doubting that the best is going to happen.

Now that it is the turn of a new year maybe this should be my resolution. I should count on the best and believe that people, myself included, are capable of more.

So here it is:

I declare that,

I will have an impeccable recovery
People will love and care for me and I will not be forgotten
I am the beholder of my emotion and
     with the strength of God and positive self talk
     I will make it through post-op in mental and emotional health


Thank you for stopping in on this journey of mine. I will keep you all posted on the recovery, and lets be honest, I bet I will be typing away the night before

did i get the memo?

I never realized how much stress would be induced by paperwork...

shoot! Who am I kidding?

Paperwork, that deals with me, and a hefty 'if you don't turn me in you won't have a job when you get better' attached kind of puts the stress over the edge. Mild anxiety attack and I think its gonna be complete by the january 1st deadline...i think *fingers crossed*

Oh the logistics beforehand. Selling stock to pay for surgery, filling out state disability forms, work leave forms, visiting hmo disability offices...oh and Christmas! The world around me is still functioning as usual, even if I'm not.

I pray you all have a Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year!

Here's to many new beginnings and better functioning bodies ;p in 2011!

more rain...

I hate being a debbie downer, but nothing like a rainy day to increase the pain level. It feels like there is a foreign object inserted in the joint, my inflammation is that bad today!

I can tell you though that the nicest people have come out of all off this. One of my customers, an older woman who had a hip replacement, has offered me her walker and cain if i need it. My new friends are the older women who've had hip replacements...i would have never guessed...

17 days and I'm on the recovery side of this!

pre-op

just got done with my pre-op appointment! got weighed (yikes!), which i should probably start that post-op diet i've been waiting to start, blood pressure (not to bad for shooting pain this morning and nervousness), temp., and a chit-chat with dr. powell. he went over the last bits i needed to know before surgery and made sure all of my questions were answered.

my surgery will be 2-3 hours, they'll shave bone off the acetabulum (hip) and femur (leg) and "try" to repair the labral tear. i like his honesty as the reality is that labral tears still only have a 60%70% success rate. depending on what they find, they'll poke 2-3 holes and i'll only have a couple stitches in each. i'll be either the morning or afternoon surgery and i'll go home after about two hours post-op. wham-bam thank you mam!

i'll be on crutches 6-8 weeks and NO external rotation or too much motion bringing my knee to my chest. it definitely won't be a walk in the park, but i am so ready! let's get to recovery!

t-minus 3 weeks and definitely counting...

let me know if you have questions, or comments or let me know your experience!