do i realize?

only a couple days away from getting the mri-arthrogram, and hopefully some answers.

i'm nervous and antsy about this next step. what do the next couple months have in store? will i be going back in for surgery? will i have an answer?

i am also filling my thoughts with anxiety about how lonely this road is and is getting. it ends up being a lot of days where i am alone, and people are busy. i sometimes wish everyone else' lives would slow down just a tad so they could come over, we could watch a movie, eat dark chocolate, and paint our nails. i wish people could slow down their agendas to my pace. i wish i could interrupt their run for the night, or the every night hangout they have with their boyfriend...i wish i could interrupt what agenda people have and they could just slow down with me...selfish, yes, i know.

i am pretty sure i am pretty boring right now. i am low energy because of pain, i'm poor/on disability so i don't have a lot of expendable income, and i just don't feel fun...

i'm realizing that in all of this i am having to be okay with me. i hang out with me all day and i have to be okay with my thoughts, with my activities (or lack there of), i have to be okay with the fact that God allows us to suffer.

this was a breakthrough for me. i was realizing how NOT okay i was with the events of the last year and 3 months or so. i realized that i was inhibiting the possibility of growth in my doubts. with my bitterness i was stuck.

the reality is though that every moment i doubt i'm being taken care of God reminds me of just HOW taken care of i really am. none of this looks like i want it, or how i thought it would, but i am taken care of.

so...here's to a couple days of calming the angst and allowing for growth in all of this!

almost 6 months post-op

i'm only a few days away from being 6 months post-op and i am back on disability.

i am deflated.

this has been a journey that hasn't left me with many ups, but a lot of downs. i know i will get there, i have to.

on tuesday evening i emailed my doctor with some questions about increasing pain and the request for a modified work status report. a work status report is the all poewerfull piece of paper that states exactly what you can and can't do at work and home. at the end of march when i returned to work i was back at full duty according to my work status report.

for the last few weeks, especially, i have been in increasing pain. and since i have not been able to work full duty since march i decided i should get on modifying my work status to what i am actually capable of doing at work. i also wanted to be covered under the american's with disabilities act.

thankfully my doctor responded by tuesday morning with his nurse calling me back that they had a completed work status for me. one things she also mentioned was that they modified it to work only 4 hours a day. this made me nervous. no matter how much pain i am in it is a catch to only be able to work 4 hours a day.

do i get partial disability? will i make enough money if not? i called back after work that afternoon and promptly picked up the work status at one of the closest orthopedics office. i sank as i read the work status report.

stand no more than 10 cumulative minutes every hour, for no more than 4 hours per day
walk no more than 10 cumulative minutes every hour, for no more than 4 hours per day

Limited standing/walking, no squatting, no heavy lifting/push or pull

being that my job requires me to stand and walk for 4-8 hours of the day and i have to squat, lift, push and pull all types of material i was deflated. one of the caviats to a work status report is that if your employer can't accept you go on temporary and full disibility.

i didn't sleep tuesday night. i was worried, scared, anxious.

how is all of this going to work out?

i went in early to work on wednesday and gave the paperwork to my boss. my work status report was denied.

one catch with this process is that i do not have any family, medical leave left. i can't take anymore leave from work, which means i can no longer be employed at my place of work. i will now loose my insurance, be left to find a job at the end of september and have no idea how i am going to pay bills or how any of this is going to work out.

pushing paper for myself is one of the most exhausting tasks. i am emotionally drained and the 5 phone calls i have to make today, in hopes things will clear up, are seeming meaningless.

i need to get on disability, i have to work on getting medi-cal so i have medical care while on disability...i know there is more and i'm burned out already.

this has been over a year of jumping through hoops, advocating for myself, getting paper pushed, care when i want and need it, and missing the mark on so many occasions. i'm ready for this to be over.

i hope that a good update comes soon. maybe after reading this in a few days i'll have realized some of the good in this situation and update on a lighter note. i guess the reality is though that this is reality. in the process of repairing fai and labral tears and surgery in general it isn't easy.

they aren't kidding when they tell you a hip replacement is easier than this!

anxiety...

i've got another week and a half before i go back in to see my surgeon. i'm getting really nervous about the prospect of how he's going to try and manipulate the area (ouch!), if i'm at a good spot in recovery, if i'm going to be given the time i need to recover. this disability has taken over me. i am defined by it. i make plans based upon it. i decide my every second based upon how it will effect my pain level and healing. of all things i would ever become consumed by i didn't imagine this.

i want this time to be consumed with how much people love and support me, reaching goals, dreaming up things i could be doing and all of the things i WILL do once this is all over. or will it all be over. there is still the doubt that i'm left with all of this anticipation. will i be let down with the words, your labrum has torn again, in six months?

i also anticipate leaving my time in sierra madre to continue healing at home and i'm forgotten. i'm getting better, so the appearance of disability has diminished. will people care to stop by? will i not be able to get a ride to freedom? my livelihood still depends on the assistance of others. even the first week and a half was different than i thought. i doubt that people care. did i get enough, you okays, can i bring you dinners, i love yous?

it is true though that i think people don't like to intrude, get in others business, but it is SO important to get in the business of someone recovering.

i do want to thank the few, the faithful family and friends...i might not be able to express enough how much a stop by means, but when you're dependent on your community to come to you, when they actually show up it means the world.

here's hoping my doubts diminish, my community shows up and that regardless, i know i am cherished and beloved by the One that truly matters...

motate...two weeks post-op

i really can't believe it's two weeks post-op. i've had my ups and downs, hit some amazing goals, and been set back in many ways.

today was a great day, i trekked down to the local sierra madre coffee shop, beantown, with my brother and played a little cards to break up the monotony of the last few days. i used both crutches as the last few days have proven that i am very much still in recovery mode and very fragile. sunday and monday were a couple painful days. i had been doing pretty well listening to my body, taking it easy and being very cautious. i felt so good after taking such good care of myself that i overdid it on friday and saturday :|

yesterday and the day before i was taking at least two norco a day again and in no shape to get out and about or push myself. it was back to laying low, taking naps and sleeping 10 hours a night (if i remembered to take a pain pill...if not it's more like 2 and 2 again after 3 hours of fighting pain).

i just need to be realistic about the surgery i had done and know that a goal i should have is being completely off crutches by week 3 or 4, NOT 1 1/2!

i'm not a super hero and i need to be understanding to myself, all of this is going to take a lot of time and the reality is that i will be "normal" by six months to a year. there is a reason i have 8+ weeks off of work...i will need it!

i guess i can also talk about my scars and bruising too...eek! :|

the suture sites look great! i'm scabbed over a bit, but they are pretty good. i might start using mederma or such as the sites are getting dry. the bruising is fading, but amazingly still dark! i do bruise easily so i assume the bruising will be around for at least another week. one of the weirdest parts is how sensitive the  bruising and local area still is. i didn't expect my skin to be so sensitive...

all in all i am in a great place at two weeks. i'm up and about, in fairly good spirits (better than i thought), and managing pain. i'm blessed to be spending two weeks with my brother, his wife and my little 7 month old niece. her smile makes me feel much better.

here's to another 2 weeks, another 2 weeks of major recovery and more milestones!

Officially...

Handy capable by the dmv of the state of California...