paid off!

well...i have officially paid off my surgery! it took a year, but i can officially wash my hands clean of that payment.

where are things at a year and eight months down the road?

to be honest, i feel older than i am. i still have an ache deep in the hip that lingers on down the leg. i haven't done physical therapy for a bit, but am looking back into that. this delicate balance i have still not found.

with stress and life changes i put on a few pounds, but am back on the wagon. i want to feel better, to be a better me.

the question is...

do i hop back in the pool an attempt alumni water polo at my alma mater? maybe some laps up and down the pool first?

here is to us hippies.

managing a new way of life, living in the moment, and trying to not let my hip dictate my dos and don'ts.

new shoes!

 

you know what that means?

yes!

i am picking up the running shoes.

it has taken a year and three months, but i can do it. i am only running 1.1 miles, but i am getting that time down and will work up the mileage. 

i have been mixing in the yoga, keeping up with the stretching, and mixing in low weights. this has been one LONG haul!

i am by no means pain free, BUT my body can move. i am capable to move how a body should!

if you are struggling through this process, know that it takes time. 

take a look at where you came from and where you are now. i can only hope you see progress. we have good days, we have bad days, BUT my worst days after are nowhere close to what they were before.

you can make it through!

not there yet...

i have decided to push the envelope.

i am ready to get my muscle back and get my body healthy.

problem is my hip isn't quite there yet...

slow and steady...slower and steadier...

one whole year...

i think about the day i got home from the hospital.

the smell of the anastesia that lasted for days.

i still can't stand the smell of the laundry detergent we used post-op.

i was stiff, sore, shivering from the shock, and living on norco and saltines.

it took 3 SOLID months before i started feeling kind of like a normal person.

3 more month to set my body into chronic inflammation, then 3 more months before i found a job that i was physically capable of.

it took until early december 2011, just a mere month ago, before i felt like my body wasn't vulnerable anymore.

i hiked on monday. today is thursday and my hip aches from the pressure and friction of repetative movement, but my gosh! i could do it!

when i went into physical therapy in september all i wanted was to walk. to be able to go on a walk down the beach with no pain. i wanted to go to the dog park for an hour without having to sit down. i wanted to be able to not let the fear of my inability stop me from spending time with the people i love.

guess what?! i can walk!

i rarely get pain in my gait anymore.

the pain is ache that is a sign of hard work.

dammit!

i have come a long way!

i can walk!

i well up as i remember how incredibly desperate i was.

i was alone in my pain.

i was alone in the expectations i felt everyone had on me and my recovery.

why can't i be better? why do i have to say no again? why do i have to say my hip won't let me???

i have come to a point where my expectation is not perfection. i don't think my hips will ever feel like they are "supposed" to.

BUT! i will take BETTER any day!

from where i have come i am doing amazing.

i have learned to give my self and others more grace...still working on it...but trying.

i have learned that my expectations are not always reality.

i have learned that progress doesn't have to look like a miracle.

and gratitude comes from perspective. i am very grateful.

thank you all for encouraging me, accepting me and loving me on this journey.

it is not over and there will always be more to post here, but can you believe it??? i hit ONE year post-op!!!

hiking with the girls about
1 year and 7 months
after all of this started

merry christmas

merry christmas!

i am trying to even remember what it was like a year ago. last christmas was just a week or so before surgery.

it is probably good that i am starting to forget what life was like this past year. finally getting over the hump of being inundated with thoughts of my hip.

i am blessed.

i will take recovery at any rate! one year, two years...however long it takes.

freedom

taking a look back at what life was like a year ago is a huge reality check.

i look back at the anxiety and fear i carried around. i was controlled by my physical limitations, and the emotional and mental strain chronic pain had on me. there was the unknown of if the surgery would heal me, if i would live with this for the rest of my life.

how is chronic hip-pain going to direct what my future looks like?

i am 11 months and 2 weeks post-op and life sure looks different.

i still live with fear of the pain resurfacing like it was, injuring my hip again, and whether or not the pain i still have will be there forever; but i am bound and determined to not let it determine who i am and what i can do. i am actually at a point where i CAN do most things. i CAN walk with limited to NO pain. i CAN live a normal life with a bum hip. i CAN.

my hip is not perfect, but the reality that i can't allow a limitation to determine my future is my new reality.

this last year has been such a transformation. overcoming not only physical pain, but emotional and mental pain as well. i no longer allow the fear to bind me.

this last year has been a mountain i think i have finally conquered.

wristband for surgery - 1.4.11

my how time flies...

as the one year mark approaches there is a lot to process through.

there have been a lot of changes in my life since this escapade started in may of 2010...

as i get closer and closer i want to focus on one aspect of change/process/growth that has occurred surgery in january of 2011. i will try and stay positive! life is looking up so my debbie downer days are, slowly, turnging into something beautiful.

sit back, relax and join me as i take a look back over this last year...

three months post-op at my thinking spot or happy place.
many an afternoon was spent here.
listening to the waves, praying and waiting

**posts are coming...i did say sit back and relax...they're coming**