the end, and a new beginning...

i have hit the end of disability. i have been off of work for almost a full twelve weeks, and am back in the groove tomorrow.

what a mix of emotion as i enter a new stage of hip recovery. what is it going to be like, on my feet all day, moving around for hours, moving quickly, lifting boxes...? i guess the only thing i can do is press ahead and hope for the best. realistically i will be sore, my body will ache and i won't want another day of it, but for my benefit i must press on.

it is a challenge to get the muscle back, to push a part of my body that is still healing. i can't move too quick and side swiping motions in the hip region don't bode well. the sharp pains remind me of where i came from, but get me excited about where i will be in, hopefully, three more months.

wish me luck and pray for strength and pain relief as i push myself harder than i have yet...this could get interesting.

back to business-10 weeks post op!

i've got a week left until i head back to "the office". i couldn't have planned this timing any better. i am finally feeling like i have energy. i haven't had energy since 2009!

2010 started the pain, mild and slow, but my body spent way too much energy trying to heal an area of my body that was progressively getting worse. now, 2011 is bringing in a new me!

i've been getting out these last few days to dog beach. i even jogged down the beach today! i can frolic and move! i thought i knew how limited i was, especially toward the last few days before surgery and especially post, but this new-found movement has shown me the life that i have been missing out on. i realized this past weekend what i have been missing out on when i missed-what will hopefully be my LAST to miss!-hiking excursion with some close friends. how devastating! i think i can do it now, i might hold people back, but i'm hoping those who are close to me will encourage me through these next hurdles.

i'm in for a continued long haul, making my complete recovery at six months to a year mark. so, on july 4th when the fireworks go off i will be celebrating what will hopefully be the best six month anniversary i have celebrated to date!

photo by Lewis Dawson

i am more than nervous to see how my body reacts to all of this new movement. an anxiety that will hopefully not keep me from the amazing steps i could take in the next few months.

here's to a continued recovery, hard as it is, i wouldn't trade this opportunity of healing and getting better for anything!

week nine post-op!

i can't believe it! i'm week nine post surgery!

the last couple weeks have been filled with disappointment with the realization that pain hasn't gone away and there is the potential for worse pain if i work too hard. don't even get me started on building back the lost muscle! the reality is that this is a long process. between six months to a year is the magic bundle of months where one should start feeling "good". i put it in parenthesis because i'm not sure what my good looks like. is there going to be lingering osteo issues, or am i going to feel like a 20 year old? definitely getting close to the round number of 30 so 20 sounds good to me.

but, ultimately at the end of these nine weeks i am amazed.

i have come to a point where i am capable. i am capable of driving my stick shift again, i can get up and about for the day and i can get some of this strength back! slowly, but surely my body is getting back to a place where i have confidence that anything from here on out is better than before surgery.

i get back to work in two weeks! i am really nervous about going back to work. i don't want to be in pain, i really don't. i worked on my brakes this week and helped a friend on her car and i can't tell you how much my body hates me. not only that but i have finally given in to catching whatever is going around. so the thought of going back to work right now really makes me cringe. i can only imagine how much my body is going to hate me once i go back.

what a process this has been and i've only scratched the surface!

almost 6 weeks post!

i've hit almost 6 weeks post-op! lets me be honest, i'm getting pretty bored of this post-op crap. is it over yet? can i take a jog down the street already?!? okay, in reality the jogging down the block isn't going to be happening for quite some time. maybe, just maybe when i have my march 11th appointment i will get the okay to speed-walk, speed-walk!?!

i feel like my stretching just makes my hip hate me even more and walking around getting my body moving is a catch-22. so the deal with moving around is that it is really good for post-op; getting my blood flowing and namely in the hip region, inducing healing. the catch though, is that my hip still hates me for doing it. you say, "what? how does your hip actually hate you?". it SCREAMS at me, yes, it really does scream.

for instance, i went out for a brunch this morning with "m.m." and a little trip to the dog park. oh how amazing it felt to get fresh air and walk around for a good hour. but see, now my hip is whimpering like a little baby. i'm now confined to resting in my bed, curled up in a blanket, soothing my whining hip. she burns, it is a nagging pain that pulsates and jabs. i guess all of this is the process and pushing harder each time will eventually get me where i want to be, but i honestly am getting over.

AND i can't control this constant gain of weight! so i'm taking drastic measure and expecting drastic results...okay, not so drastic, but making lifestyle changes. 9 months is a long time eat without abandon and moving little! the emotional roller coaster of this journey has taken a toll on my eating habits.

i AM getting my hairs cut on thursday...this is all in the direction of the new, good hip me...i need some change to spice all of this up and make me feel pretty despite the extra poundage, i may be confident, but nothing can get a girl down more than not looking the way you would like.

i should have updates about my first stationary bike experience, still kind of nervous about that as i have NO, yes a firm NO, quad muscle in my left leg. i can't lift my left leg when it is straight out, i can't even hold it up!!! there is a nice indentation where a quad muscle would go...but mine is missing!

OH, i drove for the FIRST time yesterday!!! i don't feel confident with driving my black hawk as it is stick, but borrowed the rents and took myself and the dog to the park and even drove myself to a fabulous meat sauce night held by my good friend, "j.t.". that was a nice slice of freedom :)

so, almost six weeks down and the ants have entered my pants...about 4 more and i'm back to the grind. i don't know what is better, the ants, or working again. the working thing is a whole 'nother ball of anxiety, fear and questions...i'll save that for another time...

four weeks post-op

i am officially four weeks post-op. wow, what a journey this has been. i'm starting to forget what pre-op was like. i am starting to forget what the last year of my life was like and kind of happy about that.

i had my four week post-op visit and my surgeon is so pleased. i am probably the best patient that he has seen, post-op, in the last four years of doing this surgery! my range of motion is amazing, we took an x-ray of the refined hip and it looks beautiful, and my pain level is doing astounding! i am pretty proud of where i'm at and then i am also reluctant to get too excited. i still think about all of the things i can't do yet, but try to relish in the things i can do.

i was given the go ahead on the stationary bike today and the go ahead for some stretching. i still shouldn't do too much knee to chest action or internal/external rotation, but i can start to, slowly, work up a sweat. six more weeks and he gives me the go ahead for a whole lot more.

the last day or two have been pretty achy, taking pain pills to sleep, but after the eventful weekend i had it doesn't surprise me. and with that i'm back to the reality of being at home. after an amazing two-weeks up in sierra madre recouping with my brother, his wife and their seven month old baby girl, it is hard to come back to a sense of responsibility and the feeling i need to meet goals. its like my sense of accomplishment has lowered and my need to do more to feel that has increased. i hope that the next 4-6 weeks off of work will be restful and productive in the way a one-hipped girl can be ;p

i am still limited in life, which is hard to deal with. i look like nothing happened to me so the special treatment is gone. this process of recovery is a roller-coaster. you feel amazing one day and the next two you pay for whatever it is you decided to do. it will be slow going from here, but holding onto what i can in the way of progress is going to be so important. and my progress has to be important to me; not the treatment, expectations or rallying from others. this journey is personal and only i can judge or know what it is like for me to recover, and know what i am or am not capable of.

slow and steady is going to win this race...

3 weeks post-op

i get emotional thinking about what life was like 4 weeks ago. i am hesitant to get too excited about how well i'm doing as i am only 3 weeks post and so much could still happen.

a look back...           
                                   
four weeks ago i was in chronic, debilitating pain. i was daily taking Norco (2x vicodin) to mildly alleviate my pain, second guessing everywhere i went and everything i did. i couldn't work out. i could barely make it through work. i didn't want to go out as the discomfort would overshadow the fun i could have. i was being controlled by my fai and labral tear.

now i am making strides. i want to get out. i want to push the limits and get going again. i am not taking pain meds but if i feel the need, i'll take some aleve to help with the aches. life is moving again. i feel like i can think about what i am going to be doing this summer as apposed to worrying about how my pain and injury is going to prohibit me from walking on the beach, from walking on the beach!!! now i want to try it. how is it going to feel? is my hip going to hate me or love me for making it work?

i'm officially off crutches! i am hesitant, i guess you can't tell by the exclamation of excitement, but i am. is it okay that i'm putting that much pressure on the joint? i have walked down the block to coffee and yogurt three time!!! without my crutches. okay it is less than half of a mile, but i'll take it! it is more than half a mile round trip ;p

i am second guessing and emailed my surgeons office and looked over countless blog forums, making sure i'm doing okay. am i doing okay???

there are aches, stiffness and a lack of range of motion, but it is a pretty nice trade off. it is a nice trade off because all of this will dissipate. i was feeling confident and attempted some leg lifts...guess what? there was NO catching, NO popping and ultimately NO pain in an attempt to tackle this atrophy! i am starting to see the light. regardless i have NO MORE impingement!!! this will hopefully help my tear heal and allow for a fully functioning and mobile hip.


what a stark contrast from now and four weeks ago! i am blessed to have this opportunity to repair a problem and restore my body to a body that functions!


should i set a goal for a mud run this oct/nov??? too lofty of a dream? i hope not!


*addendum*


i am feeling the increase in activity due to the increase in pain level. i've also noticed my right hip-good hip-is not happy with the extra work it is involved in. i went on a walk today (about a mile total roundtrip!), but with one crutch. my body was telling me that no crutches today would have been a bad idea, so glad i listened! there is a pain on the outside of the hip with aching and burning, and the incision sites, deep, feel the ache as well. the pain reaches down through my knee, front and back as well. my body is pooped!

i am so glad i am where i am at and realizing that these days will come and go through the healing process. i am not invincible and the best medicine through all of this will be my own honesty about where my body is at. i whole-heartedly believe that building up my body, getting my blood flowing and increasing my progress daily is the best, but all in all, with moderation...

anxiety...

i've got another week and a half before i go back in to see my surgeon. i'm getting really nervous about the prospect of how he's going to try and manipulate the area (ouch!), if i'm at a good spot in recovery, if i'm going to be given the time i need to recover. this disability has taken over me. i am defined by it. i make plans based upon it. i decide my every second based upon how it will effect my pain level and healing. of all things i would ever become consumed by i didn't imagine this.

i want this time to be consumed with how much people love and support me, reaching goals, dreaming up things i could be doing and all of the things i WILL do once this is all over. or will it all be over. there is still the doubt that i'm left with all of this anticipation. will i be let down with the words, your labrum has torn again, in six months?

i also anticipate leaving my time in sierra madre to continue healing at home and i'm forgotten. i'm getting better, so the appearance of disability has diminished. will people care to stop by? will i not be able to get a ride to freedom? my livelihood still depends on the assistance of others. even the first week and a half was different than i thought. i doubt that people care. did i get enough, you okays, can i bring you dinners, i love yous?

it is true though that i think people don't like to intrude, get in others business, but it is SO important to get in the business of someone recovering.

i do want to thank the few, the faithful family and friends...i might not be able to express enough how much a stop by means, but when you're dependent on your community to come to you, when they actually show up it means the world.

here's hoping my doubts diminish, my community shows up and that regardless, i know i am cherished and beloved by the One that truly matters...