8 1/2 months post-op (37 weeks!)

so i have been hesitant to write any updates. i don't want to jinx any progress!

the beginning of this month, pretty much right on my 8 month surgery anniversary, i woke up pain free. yes, you read that right...pain free.

now, see, the hesitance comes from my track record. my hip starts feeling better, i push it, and am then back to peg...way to far down the board, that i have lost hope in all of this too many times.

to be honest, i saw a glimmer of what my life IS going to look like. my muscles were loose, my joint was smooth, and i did not feel limited. it was really freeing. it made me realize how much i have been letting my physical limitation, especially pain, hold be back. the reality is that mechanically i am golden now. the pain i feel, once again, is tendons and muscles working and doing things they have not done in at least three months, more realistically closer to a year. my body is not working perfectly which brings about aches and pains, but with time this will all subside. i am thankful for the glimmer of what is to come and for the continued healing

this process has been depressing. the reality is that i am a fragile person. i may seem tough and together, but i am the one who is lulled to sleep by my anxiety.

the big breakthrough happened a few days after i finally, truly, gave up a lot of my worry. i finally rallied a troop of people to pray for me, i let go, and let God take control. i know it sounds so cheesy and cliche, but it was the only thing that has taken my mind off of my pain, given me a few good days and allowed me to free myself from the chains of this ordeal. it is so easy to get caught up in the circle of disappointment in all of this, but the reality is, i am blessed. i have insurance, my finances always iron out no matter how stressful, and i am taken care of.

i am still reminded that this has never been life or death. i am still in tact and matter of fact i am functioning better than i was 15 months ago.

while having coffee with a dear friend this morning i ran into a customer i have not see in a few months. he was thin, wearing a stocking cap with his stringy hair peeking out from underneath. we were chatting and catching up, and he so nicely asked me how i was doing with my hip, not working right now and he was encouraging about the benefits of a positive attitude in all of this. he pointed to his cap "this isn't a fashion statement".

i politely asked, "if you don't mind, can i ask what happened?"

"leukemia" he said.

a few months ago he started feeling neck and back pain, and a fever that spiked and fell consistently. two months ago he went to the ER and was in chemo the next day. the doctor told him if he would have waited two more weeks he wouldn't be alive.

i held it together, holding back tears and encouraged him at the end; and as he was turning to walk away i told him "i don't know if you subscribe to it, but i will be praying for you."

he stopped, and said "i do".

he told me he has had a lot of people praying for him. family, friends and a Bible study. he truly believes that after only two months of chemo, the only reasons why he is alive and in remission, yes! REMISSION, is that people have been praying and he has not allowed himself to pity the situation once!

i am blessed. i have never had the words, if you would have waited two more weeks you wouldn't be here.

i am blessed. i am in recovery, i am healing and my pain is less by the day.

i am blessed. i have a peace that passes all understanding in this, all when i let go and let God take care of me and my situation.

i am blessed.

confused...

i got the call from my surgeon today. i'm still wondering if it was good news or bad news. the build up for this last week has been hope for an answer. a definite answer as to why i am in this much pain.

good news is that my labrum and cartilage look great. everything is attached, no debris, looking good. the only abnormality, if that is even what you can call it that, is that the capsule is not healed yet. the capsule is removed/pulled away during surgery so that the surgeon can pull the femur out of the socket, and get to the femur and acetabulum for bone removal.

my surgeon doesn't usually do an mri-a at this point post-op so we really don't know what the capsule should look like. we are at a complete loss as to what might be causing me this much pain at this point. this is deflating. all i wanted was a, "this is what is causing the pain".

i am left with a waiting period and praying that things will settle down. my 3 months of disability may be extended and with no answers i am wondering what is next. i am completely confused and baffled by my body. just plain confused.

i will get in to see the pt, hopefully in the next two weeks, to see what we can do to get my body functioning properly again.

thankfully my hope is not in my abilities or what i can accomplish, but in the unseen. this is not the end all to be all. this is just the continuation of this journey. i have more to gain from this struggle and i don't want to miss the opportunity while i wallow in my pain.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1

ouch...

mri-a with flouroscopy #2, check!

i am hurting, and i broke down and took a vicodin to ease the pain. am i a big baby or are things really to this point???

the mri-a was a lot quicker this time around. the flourscopy, the x-ray guided injection into the hip joint, was half as long as the last time and hence half as painful. so thankful for that. the mri itself was the longest 30 minutes i've experienced in quite some time. talk about antsy at the end.

i am just thankful that i am 1 or 2 days away from some answers! will it be another surgery? i'm kind of bracing for that. all i want is a solution. if it's surgery, bring it on! if not, well hot dog!

here's to answers by friday!

and thank you everyone who has been praying for me. i am feeling the love and the peace. xoxo

OH, and a picture of my amazing healing scars. two of the three at least.

do i realize?

only a couple days away from getting the mri-arthrogram, and hopefully some answers.

i'm nervous and antsy about this next step. what do the next couple months have in store? will i be going back in for surgery? will i have an answer?

i am also filling my thoughts with anxiety about how lonely this road is and is getting. it ends up being a lot of days where i am alone, and people are busy. i sometimes wish everyone else' lives would slow down just a tad so they could come over, we could watch a movie, eat dark chocolate, and paint our nails. i wish people could slow down their agendas to my pace. i wish i could interrupt their run for the night, or the every night hangout they have with their boyfriend...i wish i could interrupt what agenda people have and they could just slow down with me...selfish, yes, i know.

i am pretty sure i am pretty boring right now. i am low energy because of pain, i'm poor/on disability so i don't have a lot of expendable income, and i just don't feel fun...

i'm realizing that in all of this i am having to be okay with me. i hang out with me all day and i have to be okay with my thoughts, with my activities (or lack there of), i have to be okay with the fact that God allows us to suffer.

this was a breakthrough for me. i was realizing how NOT okay i was with the events of the last year and 3 months or so. i realized that i was inhibiting the possibility of growth in my doubts. with my bitterness i was stuck.

the reality is though that every moment i doubt i'm being taken care of God reminds me of just HOW taken care of i really am. none of this looks like i want it, or how i thought it would, but i am taken care of.

so...here's to a couple days of calming the angst and allowing for growth in all of this!

pain management...

or lack there of...

what options are there for pain management?

i'm up at 12:45 in pain and i am so tempted to grab a norco out of the medicine cabinet to dull the pain.

truth is, with how difficult of a time i had being on and getting off of norco before, i really don't want to start that cycle again.

i'll give it anther hour...

*addendum*

well I did it. I broke down. I cut back to a vicodin though.

Great part is it really helped with my pain. I could sleep. well, until I woke up nauseous at 4 and threw up twice by 5 this morning!

Needless to say I don't think I'm quite used to the hard drugs again, but I'm still debating if i'd rather throw up again or deal with pain...and I hate throwing up!

the waiting game again...

well, getting my mri-arthrogram can't come quick enough! remember my last one? i am nervous about a giant needle probing in my hip again, but after the night i had last night i'll do almost anything to find a solution and get relief.

i was up from 3am-7am in pain. i remember the days, weeks, months not too long ago when this was my reality every night. it really scares me that things could get to that place again.

i go in next tuesday on august 30th for my second mri-arthrogram...wish me luck!

heat...

wow, i never thought i would be back to heating the hip and skipping out on things because i am in pain.

i am looking forward to my arthrogram, well not the actual procedure (i'm not crazy!), but excited because it will lead to answers. well, hopefully lead to answers.

i'm calling tomorrow to see if i can make my mri-a appt...*crossing fingers*