well, getting my mri-arthrogram can't come quick enough! remember my last one? i am nervous about a giant needle probing in my hip again, but after the night i had last night i'll do almost anything to find a solution and get relief.
i was up from 3am-7am in pain. i remember the days, weeks, months not too long ago when this was my reality every night. it really scares me that things could get to that place again.
i go in next tuesday on august 30th for my second mri-arthrogram...wish me luck!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
heat...
wow, i never thought i would be back to heating the hip and skipping out on things because i am in pain.
i am looking forward to my arthrogram, well not the actual procedure (i'm not crazy!), but excited because it will lead to answers. well, hopefully lead to answers.
i'm calling tomorrow to see if i can make my mri-a appt...*crossing fingers*
i am looking forward to my arthrogram, well not the actual procedure (i'm not crazy!), but excited because it will lead to answers. well, hopefully lead to answers.
i'm calling tomorrow to see if i can make my mri-a appt...*crossing fingers*
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
reality check...
today was my 6 month post-op appointment, which is actually my 7 1/2 month post-op appointment. i wish i had good news...well who knows what kind of news this is. the reality is i look at worst case scenario and go from there. i'd rather be prepared than shocked, and at this point my worst case scenarios have been right...argh!
okay, back to news. i am scheduling, in the next couple days, another mri-arthrogram (remember my last one?). we will rule in or out whether my labrum has re-torn or not.
reality is, i simply want to know why at 7 months post-op i am in this much pain. if it means i have re-torn my labrum lets find it and fix it NOW.
the thought of going through another hip surgery is numbing. i don't really know how i feel about it. what is a new recovery going to be like? is this surgery going to make me better? if it solves my problem i want to go through it again, this time i hope it all works...
it is so hard to be content in all of this though. i've been trying really hard in the last couple weeks to find the silver lining. i can find things, but believing the silver lining as reality is still a process. i guess life was never meant to be easy. this is a fight i needed to have and i will keep fighting until i have some more answers and my body is pain free!
here's to a speedy process and answers...
okay, back to news. i am scheduling, in the next couple days, another mri-arthrogram (remember my last one?). we will rule in or out whether my labrum has re-torn or not.
the thought of going through another hip surgery is numbing. i don't really know how i feel about it. what is a new recovery going to be like? is this surgery going to make me better? if it solves my problem i want to go through it again, this time i hope it all works...
it is so hard to be content in all of this though. i've been trying really hard in the last couple weeks to find the silver lining. i can find things, but believing the silver lining as reality is still a process. i guess life was never meant to be easy. this is a fight i needed to have and i will keep fighting until i have some more answers and my body is pain free!
here's to a speedy process and answers...
Sunday, August 7, 2011
7 month post-op
7 months post-op. wow. time flies, even when you're not having fun.
i am a little over a month into my second round of disability and learning to be still. with strict orders to only be moving and up for about 20 minutes in every hour, for a max of 4 hours in the day, i am truly going a little stir crazy. the reality is though that this time has been my saving grace.
with constant inflammation from april to the beginning of july, i didn't know how i was ever going to heal. it took a solid couple weeks for my hip to finally settle down. i can now say that with limited mobility i am feeling like a new person.
my muscles and tendons are starting to feel the effects of limited mobility, and shock when i try and push myself too hard. my joint is still easily inflamed and i am even sitting now in pain, but so much less so that a month ago. man, o, man how i hate that i am at the point i am in recovery, but blessed that i have the ability to recover. i get an income with disability, i live with my parents rent free, i have friends and a church community that loves me. i am blessed even in the midsts of what could be an even darker journey.
this process is long, and i don't know when my pain will end; but i hope i can hold onto the quiet moments i have to rest, recover, and soak in moments not many people get. i have the opportunity to revive my weary body, mind and soul. i am blessed to have the time where i can prune a better me and come out of this process someone i could never have become without these forced moments of stillness.
i am a little over a month into my second round of disability and learning to be still. with strict orders to only be moving and up for about 20 minutes in every hour, for a max of 4 hours in the day, i am truly going a little stir crazy. the reality is though that this time has been my saving grace.
with constant inflammation from april to the beginning of july, i didn't know how i was ever going to heal. it took a solid couple weeks for my hip to finally settle down. i can now say that with limited mobility i am feeling like a new person.
my muscles and tendons are starting to feel the effects of limited mobility, and shock when i try and push myself too hard. my joint is still easily inflamed and i am even sitting now in pain, but so much less so that a month ago. man, o, man how i hate that i am at the point i am in recovery, but blessed that i have the ability to recover. i get an income with disability, i live with my parents rent free, i have friends and a church community that loves me. i am blessed even in the midsts of what could be an even darker journey.
this process is long, and i don't know when my pain will end; but i hope i can hold onto the quiet moments i have to rest, recover, and soak in moments not many people get. i have the opportunity to revive my weary body, mind and soul. i am blessed to have the time where i can prune a better me and come out of this process someone i could never have become without these forced moments of stillness.
Friday, July 1, 2011
looking up...
i write this blog for others to experience what life is like with femoroacetabular impingement (fai), what having a labral tear is like, what post-op life is like and everything in between. i also write this blog for myself. it is a good way to process through this journey, with my fingers tapping at my computer. i can pound away and the stress of it all rushes out of me.
i can't tell you how stressful this process has been for me.
the last few sleepless nights have led to exhaustion, but thankfully i have dealt with the disability process before and things are always easier the second time around. all phone calls have been made, and packets are on there ways to various departments for various importance...its hard to keep track...
i got a hold of the leave administration at work and was left with a load of relief. before contacting i was expecting to be left with no leave, no insurance, and ultimately no job...no nothing. thank goodness i made the call to cover my basis because when my family medical leave runs out (which i still have 3 weeks of!) i have medical leave! i don't necessarily have my old job back, but the company will do its best to place me when my disability is over. i don't know if my body can handle going back to my old job, but nonetheless i get to keep insurance (praise the Lord), and the benefits of still being with the company. huge stressor gone.
ultimately there are lights in this really dark tunnel. there is hope that things will get better and the reality is that this surgery and its recovery is unpredictable. everyone heals at a different pace and my pace might be a tad slower.
who knows what blessings in a really good disguise will come.
i can't tell you how stressful this process has been for me.
the last few sleepless nights have led to exhaustion, but thankfully i have dealt with the disability process before and things are always easier the second time around. all phone calls have been made, and packets are on there ways to various departments for various importance...its hard to keep track...
i got a hold of the leave administration at work and was left with a load of relief. before contacting i was expecting to be left with no leave, no insurance, and ultimately no job...no nothing. thank goodness i made the call to cover my basis because when my family medical leave runs out (which i still have 3 weeks of!) i have medical leave! i don't necessarily have my old job back, but the company will do its best to place me when my disability is over. i don't know if my body can handle going back to my old job, but nonetheless i get to keep insurance (praise the Lord), and the benefits of still being with the company. huge stressor gone.
ultimately there are lights in this really dark tunnel. there is hope that things will get better and the reality is that this surgery and its recovery is unpredictable. everyone heals at a different pace and my pace might be a tad slower.
who knows what blessings in a really good disguise will come.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
almost 6 months post-op
i'm only a few days away from being 6 months post-op and i am back on disability.
i am deflated.
this has been a journey that hasn't left me with many ups, but a lot of downs. i know i will get there, i have to.
on tuesday evening i emailed my doctor with some questions about increasing pain and the request for a modified work status report. a work status report is the all poewerfull piece of paper that states exactly what you can and can't do at work and home. at the end of march when i returned to work i was back at full duty according to my work status report.
for the last few weeks, especially, i have been in increasing pain. and since i have not been able to work full duty since march i decided i should get on modifying my work status to what i am actually capable of doing at work. i also wanted to be covered under the american's with disabilities act.
thankfully my doctor responded by tuesday morning with his nurse calling me back that they had a completed work status for me. one things she also mentioned was that they modified it to work only 4 hours a day. this made me nervous. no matter how much pain i am in it is a catch to only be able to work 4 hours a day.
do i get partial disability? will i make enough money if not? i called back after work that afternoon and promptly picked up the work status at one of the closest orthopedics office. i sank as i read the work status report.
i didn't sleep tuesday night. i was worried, scared, anxious.
how is all of this going to work out?
i went in early to work on wednesday and gave the paperwork to my boss. my work status report was denied.
one catch with this process is that i do not have any family, medical leave left. i can't take anymore leave from work, which means i can no longer be employed at my place of work. i will now loose my insurance, be left to find a job at the end of september and have no idea how i am going to pay bills or how any of this is going to work out.
pushing paper for myself is one of the most exhausting tasks. i am emotionally drained and the 5 phone calls i have to make today, in hopes things will clear up, are seeming meaningless.
i need to get on disability, i have to work on getting medi-cal so i have medical care while on disability...i know there is more and i'm burned out already.
this has been over a year of jumping through hoops, advocating for myself, getting paper pushed, care when i want and need it, and missing the mark on so many occasions. i'm ready for this to be over.
i hope that a good update comes soon. maybe after reading this in a few days i'll have realized some of the good in this situation and update on a lighter note. i guess the reality is though that this is reality. in the process of repairing fai and labral tears and surgery in general it isn't easy.
they aren't kidding when they tell you a hip replacement is easier than this!
i am deflated.
this has been a journey that hasn't left me with many ups, but a lot of downs. i know i will get there, i have to.
on tuesday evening i emailed my doctor with some questions about increasing pain and the request for a modified work status report. a work status report is the all poewerfull piece of paper that states exactly what you can and can't do at work and home. at the end of march when i returned to work i was back at full duty according to my work status report.
for the last few weeks, especially, i have been in increasing pain. and since i have not been able to work full duty since march i decided i should get on modifying my work status to what i am actually capable of doing at work. i also wanted to be covered under the american's with disabilities act.
thankfully my doctor responded by tuesday morning with his nurse calling me back that they had a completed work status for me. one things she also mentioned was that they modified it to work only 4 hours a day. this made me nervous. no matter how much pain i am in it is a catch to only be able to work 4 hours a day.
do i get partial disability? will i make enough money if not? i called back after work that afternoon and promptly picked up the work status at one of the closest orthopedics office. i sank as i read the work status report.
stand no more than 10 cumulative minutes every hour, for no more than 4 hours per daybeing that my job requires me to stand and walk for 4-8 hours of the day and i have to squat, lift, push and pull all types of material i was deflated. one of the caviats to a work status report is that if your employer can't accept you go on temporary and full disibility.
walk no more than 10 cumulative minutes every hour, for no more than 4 hours per day
Limited standing/walking, no squatting, no heavy lifting/push or pull
i didn't sleep tuesday night. i was worried, scared, anxious.
how is all of this going to work out?
i went in early to work on wednesday and gave the paperwork to my boss. my work status report was denied.
one catch with this process is that i do not have any family, medical leave left. i can't take anymore leave from work, which means i can no longer be employed at my place of work. i will now loose my insurance, be left to find a job at the end of september and have no idea how i am going to pay bills or how any of this is going to work out.
pushing paper for myself is one of the most exhausting tasks. i am emotionally drained and the 5 phone calls i have to make today, in hopes things will clear up, are seeming meaningless.
i need to get on disability, i have to work on getting medi-cal so i have medical care while on disability...i know there is more and i'm burned out already.
this has been over a year of jumping through hoops, advocating for myself, getting paper pushed, care when i want and need it, and missing the mark on so many occasions. i'm ready for this to be over.
i hope that a good update comes soon. maybe after reading this in a few days i'll have realized some of the good in this situation and update on a lighter note. i guess the reality is though that this is reality. in the process of repairing fai and labral tears and surgery in general it isn't easy.
they aren't kidding when they tell you a hip replacement is easier than this!
Monday, June 13, 2011
5 months down the chute...
i am a little over a week out from five months post-op.
i feel great! but, i am in pain every day and worsens after a long day on my feet, any activity or the opposite of too little activity.
i'm really struggling with the balance of being immensely thankful to not be where i was pre-op, i need to constantly remind myself of how utterly horrible that place was; and still being in daily pain. i hear so many people who are back to normal activity after 4 weeks, doing yoga classes at 3 months...yadda, yadda, yadda. is it something wrong with my mentality? or is it really my body being sensitive to post-op recovery?
i flair up at least once a day, where i feel inflammation and ache from my lower back, down through the hip and down my shins. it is my daily exhaustion. it is a settling in my bones that i can't wait to dissipate. i don't feel like doing a 20 minute set on the stationary bike after working and feeling like that!
anybody, where is the compromise? when does the ache go away? when does your body allow you to go for more that 2 hours without a break?
the word is that at 6 months to a year you feel great. i'm not counting on six months and i'm not counting on a year either...am i counting on ever being able to run, or push myself to the limits again? not really.
i feel so selfish sometimes though. i saw a man walking on the beach yesterday, joints working out of sink, muscles with barely any mobility and yet he was booking it down the beach. how thankful should i be that my body works, mechanically, as it should now. how much should i let pain and the fear of more pain get in my way?
this is a struggle. it is a catch 22. the joy that i have the possibility of being a pain-free person again, yet the reality that i'm not there yet and it is going to take a lot more time. i just don't know what is going to happen in between and how i'm going to get to the place of pain-free.
i feel great! but, i am in pain every day and worsens after a long day on my feet, any activity or the opposite of too little activity.
i'm really struggling with the balance of being immensely thankful to not be where i was pre-op, i need to constantly remind myself of how utterly horrible that place was; and still being in daily pain. i hear so many people who are back to normal activity after 4 weeks, doing yoga classes at 3 months...yadda, yadda, yadda. is it something wrong with my mentality? or is it really my body being sensitive to post-op recovery?
i flair up at least once a day, where i feel inflammation and ache from my lower back, down through the hip and down my shins. it is my daily exhaustion. it is a settling in my bones that i can't wait to dissipate. i don't feel like doing a 20 minute set on the stationary bike after working and feeling like that!
anybody, where is the compromise? when does the ache go away? when does your body allow you to go for more that 2 hours without a break?
the word is that at 6 months to a year you feel great. i'm not counting on six months and i'm not counting on a year either...am i counting on ever being able to run, or push myself to the limits again? not really.
i feel so selfish sometimes though. i saw a man walking on the beach yesterday, joints working out of sink, muscles with barely any mobility and yet he was booking it down the beach. how thankful should i be that my body works, mechanically, as it should now. how much should i let pain and the fear of more pain get in my way?
this is a struggle. it is a catch 22. the joy that i have the possibility of being a pain-free person again, yet the reality that i'm not there yet and it is going to take a lot more time. i just don't know what is going to happen in between and how i'm going to get to the place of pain-free.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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