normalcy?

redindhi

i have to update my progress since the last time i continued to hit walls in recovery. i did find confidence in Catherine Robertson as someone who was willing to see this through the end. Robertson was willing to go through full recovery with be, even if that meant she never operated on me.

not only was recovery stalling, and declining, but my grandfather died, i lost my job, and life seemed to fall apart.

the morning after the day i lost my job i woke up from a dream where God healed me. i bantered with God that this was a really sick way to cherry on top of the last two weeks. I emerged from my bed awaiting the sharp pains that would meet me every morning, and that stab wasn't there...

"God, this is a sick joke".

i continued my day and kept pausing before movements that would normally hold me back.

almost two months after and i feel amazing. the reality is i still have aches, but nothing is holding me back.

not only have i been set free from the amount of pain, but i am free from a lot of the fear.

i am blessed.

recovery is an intense journey, but this bend in the road is going to be quite the enjoyable ride!

http://sy-maison-de-creation.tumblr.com/

mri-arthrogram #3

i would have assumed that i would be looking in the rear view mirror by now.

remember when...

i am so relieved that i can do...

i just hiked mt...

it doesn't help that a sheet of dispair has been hanging heavy lately.

the great thing about writing into the abyss of this blog, is that i write it and it doesn't take hold anymore. i still fight it, but the thoughts loose their control.

after a "failed" cortisone injection, leaving me in immense pain, and an orthopedic who told me there wasn't anything he could do for me; i am hoping i am on the brink of answers.


for anyone who has not had an mri-arthrogram, be thankful.

this procedure entails large needles making contact with your joint to then inject a mineral composite that contrasts under an mri.

it is always an unpleasant experience and i feel like it gets more painful as time progresses.

i pray that some comfort and peace covers me tonight...that answers come out of these images.


enjoy this video example of what the mra procedure is like...okay so it is thorough so fast forward to about half way for the hip arthrogram.

and pictures :)

cortisone...

i go in for cortisone shots in both hips on tuesday...i don't know whether i should be excited or dismayed.

i'm actually both.

after visiting with the orthopedic, i lost my footing on optimism.

he had absolutely no answers, just a quip of "i don't know what is going on", and that he wouldn't want to touch my other hip because of how much pain i am still in with my operated hip.

needless to say the search for another ortho is on.

isn't it their job to figure out what is going on? isn't it their job to work with me, and my present condition, and work on solutions. don't get me wrong, i am glad that he didn't throw his hands up and not offer the cortisone injections. there is hope that the injections will give my hips enough of a pain rest that they will miraculously be pain free.

does cortisone heal a torn labrum? don't comment i already know the answer!

i can atleast dream, right???

that is the worry about hip #2, "good" hip. #2 isn't feeling so hot. #2 is making the pain i have been feeling in #1 start to look like pansy pain. if #2 keeps it up i don't know what i am going to do.

well, cortisone, here i come!

check out a video of a cortisone shot injection, enjoy :)

"good" hip?

i really do hate the fact that i can still talk about my hips.

i am really discouraged as this journey has had so many ups and downs.

i think i underestimate my resilience and how strong i really am.

there are so many things i wish i could do though!

my birthday is coming up and i'm not excited. i can't go on an adventure without pain, i can't go play games on the beach, i can't go to Disneyland, i can't go kayaking in La Jolla Cove...ugh!

i have been going to physical therapy, for the past 7 weeks, and our conversation on tuesday was about the possibilities of what could be going on with my hips and when i should make an appt with my orthopedic. today, thursday at pt i was asked, so, did you make that appointment with your surgeon?
my current fears are more than anything for my good hip. i have to get my head around the possibility of another surgery if my labrum is tearing. as for my post-op hip, i just really want an answer for the pain.

i can't sleep through the night, and concentration is difficult. all i want to do is curl up with ice/heat, eat chocolate, and drink coffee/beer...can we say comfort items???

so in honor of looking on the bright side i want to share the top five items (no particular order) that are keeping me sane...

#1 | The Bachelor

don't judge too harshly.
it's mind numming, and all i need right now
is something to take my mind off of pain.

The Bachelor

#2 | White Collar

#3 | Red Hook Long Hammer IPA

#4 | coffee

especially coffee from boutique coffee roasters/shops...amazing!

#5 | chocolate

i don't discriminate...
preferably with caramel, or peanuts/peanut butter

seven weeks

i am over two years post op and the pain in my hips is becoming more of an issue.

i started pt, again, about 7 weeks ago.

i am really getting nervous as my "good" hip hurts and the "bad" hip is killing me.

i haven't slept through the night in 4 nights, and my emotionally state is quickly going to crumble...

the one thing that has been brought to my attention as a possible cause...or more like i have done research and want to see if this is the problem...is iliopsoas tendonitis.

i have a pain that gets worse after exercise, standing, sitting, etc. I feel the pain when i wear out the muscles and irritate the area. the pain is the worst one-two days after i exhaust the joint. the flair-ups take about a week or more to calm down.

i am definitely thankful for the mobility i do have, but am starting to hit the reality that what i am doing needs to be as minimal, as the joint and the iliopsoas are pretty angry when i am active...

so here is to drinking a beer, icing the hip, and convincing myself that everything will be okay...

http://www.arthroscopichipsurgeon.com/images/psoas-impingement.jpg

i am hoping no more labral tears are involved,
but i am assuming this is what my psoas is doing to my hip

PT Round Two

alright, verdict is i am weak.

no news to me.

nothing majorly wrong, so the pt thinks. we will see how much this fella knows...

tight psoas and tight back muscles, while i have weak abs and weak gluts.

ultimately i will me beefing it up...well, if you count clam shells that open slightly and pulling my abs through my belly button to the floor, then i am beefing it up. *lots of sarcasm*

you know what, anything to bring the pain level down.

bring it on!

bravery...

i hit my two years post-op yesterday. no big celebration.

i think the reality is setting in about the prognosis.

my "fibro" symptoms are acting up, and my hips are upset. my limitations are increasing...

meeting with my primary care physician today was a bit of affirmation. it is always a relief when people don't find you crazy, and they actually admire what you have been through. living in these shoes can be lonely and the bits of affirmation make it all so much easier.

next steps...
new ortho (new insurance) appointment this week
hoping to start p.t. in february
continuing to do my morning yoga routine
sit-ups and push-ups 3x a week to preserve and obtain muscle mass
AND knowing that i can get through this

i am hoping all the little bits will help.

i also need to keep the perspective that my success looks different than anyone else's.  my success is continuing to do push-ups and sit-up. it doesn't have to look like a marathon, or snowboarding, or hikes every weekend. my success can be going for a walk.

i can be gentle on myself, and keep realistic expectations...i really can. and through it all i can be brave.

pain

lots of hip pain today.

searching for some releaf...

two years is almost here...

i can't believe i am almost at two years post-op.

this has been one of the most exhausting and draining processes. i am still in a better place than i was before, and need to remind myself of that...often.

looking back at the progress that has been made, it is astounding.

my one, major wish was that i could walk. i can't believe that was where i was at. i wanted to be able to walk!?! i can do that!

all these other pains and side-effects are minute in the big picture of all of this.

i don't think my hips will ever be perfect, but my one wish for this year is to get my physio in the right place. i want my muscles to be balanced, to stand without pain, and to be able to hike a mountain without regretting it.

i still appreciate the "how are are you doing"s, as this is my life. everyone may be sick of this sob story, but it isn't going anywhere.

i have been dealt my fair, or not so fair, share of uncontrollable puzzle pieces; but somehow they have all come together to create the me that i am today. my stories may be somber, but i see the beauty in the lulls. i see the beauty in the struggles, as there is always something beautiful that is birthed from them.

as my second year comes to a close, i am grateful. my abilities are more limited than others, but my abilities also surpass. i am counting my blessings, however big or small.

i did hike thanksgiving day!
one month later and my body is still revolting
one of these days :)

groin pain

Another hippy posted an interesting article on the Understanding FAI Hip Impingement Facebook group. The article pertains to (the looming) groin pain after surgery.

Recently, intraarticular adhesions between the femoral neck and joint capsule have been identified as an additional cause of postoperative groin pain. The adhesions form between the joint capsule and the resected area on the femoral neck and may lead to soft tissue impingement. MR-arthrography is used for diagnosis and the adhesions can be treated successfully by arthroscopy. While arthroscopic resection improves outcome it is technically demanding. Avoiding the formation of adhesions is important and is perhaps best accomplished by passive motion exercises after the initial surgery.

Groin Pain after Open FAI Surgery: The Role of Intraarticular Adhesions
Martin Beck, MD
excerpt from Abstract
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2635436/

I am an information junky and love this stuff; so, I hope this article is interested to you if nothing else.

anticipation...

tomorrow is leg one of my 6+ hour road trip. i am a tad nervous about the pain level with being in a sedentary position for that long.

i guess we will find out how my old lady hips do...

i do have to say that i am just excited to get away...feel the wing in my hair...let go of things for a few days.

road trip!

paid off!

well...i have officially paid off my surgery! it took a year, but i can officially wash my hands clean of that payment.

where are things at a year and eight months down the road?

to be honest, i feel older than i am. i still have an ache deep in the hip that lingers on down the leg. i haven't done physical therapy for a bit, but am looking back into that. this delicate balance i have still not found.

with stress and life changes i put on a few pounds, but am back on the wagon. i want to feel better, to be a better me.

the question is...

do i hop back in the pool an attempt alumni water polo at my alma mater? maybe some laps up and down the pool first?

here is to us hippies.

managing a new way of life, living in the moment, and trying to not let my hip dictate my dos and don'ts.

new shoes!

 

you know what that means?

yes!

i am picking up the running shoes.

it has taken a year and three months, but i can do it. i am only running 1.1 miles, but i am getting that time down and will work up the mileage. 

i have been mixing in the yoga, keeping up with the stretching, and mixing in low weights. this has been one LONG haul!

i am by no means pain free, BUT my body can move. i am capable to move how a body should!

if you are struggling through this process, know that it takes time. 

take a look at where you came from and where you are now. i can only hope you see progress. we have good days, we have bad days, BUT my worst days after are nowhere close to what they were before.

you can make it through!

not there yet...

i have decided to push the envelope.

i am ready to get my muscle back and get my body healthy.

problem is my hip isn't quite there yet...

slow and steady...slower and steadier...

one whole year...

i think about the day i got home from the hospital.

the smell of the anastesia that lasted for days.

i still can't stand the smell of the laundry detergent we used post-op.

i was stiff, sore, shivering from the shock, and living on norco and saltines.

it took 3 SOLID months before i started feeling kind of like a normal person.

3 more month to set my body into chronic inflammation, then 3 more months before i found a job that i was physically capable of.

it took until early december 2011, just a mere month ago, before i felt like my body wasn't vulnerable anymore.

i hiked on monday. today is thursday and my hip aches from the pressure and friction of repetative movement, but my gosh! i could do it!

when i went into physical therapy in september all i wanted was to walk. to be able to go on a walk down the beach with no pain. i wanted to go to the dog park for an hour without having to sit down. i wanted to be able to not let the fear of my inability stop me from spending time with the people i love.

guess what?! i can walk!

i rarely get pain in my gait anymore.

the pain is ache that is a sign of hard work.

dammit!

i have come a long way!

i can walk!

i well up as i remember how incredibly desperate i was.

i was alone in my pain.

i was alone in the expectations i felt everyone had on me and my recovery.

why can't i be better? why do i have to say no again? why do i have to say my hip won't let me???

i have come to a point where my expectation is not perfection. i don't think my hips will ever feel like they are "supposed" to.

BUT! i will take BETTER any day!

from where i have come i am doing amazing.

i have learned to give my self and others more grace...still working on it...but trying.

i have learned that my expectations are not always reality.

i have learned that progress doesn't have to look like a miracle.

and gratitude comes from perspective. i am very grateful.

thank you all for encouraging me, accepting me and loving me on this journey.

it is not over and there will always be more to post here, but can you believe it??? i hit ONE year post-op!!!

hiking with the girls about
1 year and 7 months
after all of this started

merry christmas

merry christmas!

i am trying to even remember what it was like a year ago. last christmas was just a week or so before surgery.

it is probably good that i am starting to forget what life was like this past year. finally getting over the hump of being inundated with thoughts of my hip.

i am blessed.

i will take recovery at any rate! one year, two years...however long it takes.

freedom

taking a look back at what life was like a year ago is a huge reality check.

i look back at the anxiety and fear i carried around. i was controlled by my physical limitations, and the emotional and mental strain chronic pain had on me. there was the unknown of if the surgery would heal me, if i would live with this for the rest of my life.

how is chronic hip-pain going to direct what my future looks like?

i am 11 months and 2 weeks post-op and life sure looks different.

i still live with fear of the pain resurfacing like it was, injuring my hip again, and whether or not the pain i still have will be there forever; but i am bound and determined to not let it determine who i am and what i can do. i am actually at a point where i CAN do most things. i CAN walk with limited to NO pain. i CAN live a normal life with a bum hip. i CAN.

my hip is not perfect, but the reality that i can't allow a limitation to determine my future is my new reality.

this last year has been such a transformation. overcoming not only physical pain, but emotional and mental pain as well. i no longer allow the fear to bind me.

this last year has been a mountain i think i have finally conquered.

wristband for surgery - 1.4.11

my how time flies...

as the one year mark approaches there is a lot to process through.

there have been a lot of changes in my life since this escapade started in may of 2010...

as i get closer and closer i want to focus on one aspect of change/process/growth that has occurred surgery in january of 2011. i will try and stay positive! life is looking up so my debbie downer days are, slowly, turnging into something beautiful.

sit back, relax and join me as i take a look back over this last year...

three months post-op at my thinking spot or happy place.
many an afternoon was spent here.
listening to the waves, praying and waiting

**posts are coming...i did say sit back and relax...they're coming**

working my glutes...

yesterday was the first day of physical therapy post-op. what an exhausting hour. my pt found every sore spot, for better or for worse.
when it comes down to it i have a few mechanical issues.

· my hips are rotated

i knew this from before, but it is a good reminder of my body mechanics. having rotated hips (i can't remember if it is anterior rotation (forward) or if the sockets are inverted towards one another ) means my external rotation (rotating my femur clockwise in my socket while my leg is flexed at 90°) is much easier than my internal roation (rotating my hip counter-clockwise while my leg is flexed at 90°).

internal rotation
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK266/bin/ch158f14.jpg

i'm fascinated with all of this so bare with me!

 · i am not activating my glutes

basically i have been activating my piriformis instead of my glutes. i have been making a tiny muscle do the work of a large (granted mine isn't as large as it was) muscle.

large gluteus

tiny pirifrmis

One thing that is happening in not engaging my glutes, the abnormal tilt to my hips and the general imbalance of my body, my musculoskeletal system is taking a hit. i am pushing my femur forward in the acetabulum, continuing to impinge the joint. what?! furthering impingement? yes, that is correct.

where to go from here?

well, thankfully my pt has a course of action. this course of actions starts with two very simple glute activating exercises. yes, i will be working on re-activating my glutes to start working again. from there it is retraining my body, and fixing the musculoskeletal issues. we will be working to get my femur back into correct positioning.

not out of the woods, but i am a glute exercise away! ...of sorts...

8 1/2 months post-op (37 weeks!)

so i have been hesitant to write any updates. i don't want to jinx any progress!

the beginning of this month, pretty much right on my 8 month surgery anniversary, i woke up pain free. yes, you read that right...pain free.

now, see, the hesitance comes from my track record. my hip starts feeling better, i push it, and am then back to peg...way to far down the board, that i have lost hope in all of this too many times.

to be honest, i saw a glimmer of what my life IS going to look like. my muscles were loose, my joint was smooth, and i did not feel limited. it was really freeing. it made me realize how much i have been letting my physical limitation, especially pain, hold be back. the reality is that mechanically i am golden now. the pain i feel, once again, is tendons and muscles working and doing things they have not done in at least three months, more realistically closer to a year. my body is not working perfectly which brings about aches and pains, but with time this will all subside. i am thankful for the glimmer of what is to come and for the continued healing

this process has been depressing. the reality is that i am a fragile person. i may seem tough and together, but i am the one who is lulled to sleep by my anxiety.

the big breakthrough happened a few days after i finally, truly, gave up a lot of my worry. i finally rallied a troop of people to pray for me, i let go, and let God take control. i know it sounds so cheesy and cliche, but it was the only thing that has taken my mind off of my pain, given me a few good days and allowed me to free myself from the chains of this ordeal. it is so easy to get caught up in the circle of disappointment in all of this, but the reality is, i am blessed. i have insurance, my finances always iron out no matter how stressful, and i am taken care of.

i am still reminded that this has never been life or death. i am still in tact and matter of fact i am functioning better than i was 15 months ago.

while having coffee with a dear friend this morning i ran into a customer i have not see in a few months. he was thin, wearing a stocking cap with his stringy hair peeking out from underneath. we were chatting and catching up, and he so nicely asked me how i was doing with my hip, not working right now and he was encouraging about the benefits of a positive attitude in all of this. he pointed to his cap "this isn't a fashion statement".

i politely asked, "if you don't mind, can i ask what happened?"

"leukemia" he said.

a few months ago he started feeling neck and back pain, and a fever that spiked and fell consistently. two months ago he went to the ER and was in chemo the next day. the doctor told him if he would have waited two more weeks he wouldn't be alive.

i held it together, holding back tears and encouraged him at the end; and as he was turning to walk away i told him "i don't know if you subscribe to it, but i will be praying for you."

he stopped, and said "i do".

he told me he has had a lot of people praying for him. family, friends and a Bible study. he truly believes that after only two months of chemo, the only reasons why he is alive and in remission, yes! REMISSION, is that people have been praying and he has not allowed himself to pity the situation once!

i am blessed. i have never had the words, if you would have waited two more weeks you wouldn't be here.

i am blessed. i am in recovery, i am healing and my pain is less by the day.

i am blessed. i have a peace that passes all understanding in this, all when i let go and let God take care of me and my situation.

i am blessed.