normalcy?

redindhi

i have to update my progress since the last time i continued to hit walls in recovery. i did find confidence in Catherine Robertson as someone who was willing to see this through the end. Robertson was willing to go through full recovery with be, even if that meant she never operated on me.

not only was recovery stalling, and declining, but my grandfather died, i lost my job, and life seemed to fall apart.

the morning after the day i lost my job i woke up from a dream where God healed me. i bantered with God that this was a really sick way to cherry on top of the last two weeks. I emerged from my bed awaiting the sharp pains that would meet me every morning, and that stab wasn't there...

"God, this is a sick joke".

i continued my day and kept pausing before movements that would normally hold me back.

almost two months after and i feel amazing. the reality is i still have aches, but nothing is holding me back.

not only have i been set free from the amount of pain, but i am free from a lot of the fear.

i am blessed.

recovery is an intense journey, but this bend in the road is going to be quite the enjoyable ride!

http://sy-maison-de-creation.tumblr.com/

mri-arthrogram #3

i would have assumed that i would be looking in the rear view mirror by now.

remember when...

i am so relieved that i can do...

i just hiked mt...

it doesn't help that a sheet of dispair has been hanging heavy lately.

the great thing about writing into the abyss of this blog, is that i write it and it doesn't take hold anymore. i still fight it, but the thoughts loose their control.

after a "failed" cortisone injection, leaving me in immense pain, and an orthopedic who told me there wasn't anything he could do for me; i am hoping i am on the brink of answers.


for anyone who has not had an mri-arthrogram, be thankful.

this procedure entails large needles making contact with your joint to then inject a mineral composite that contrasts under an mri.

it is always an unpleasant experience and i feel like it gets more painful as time progresses.

i pray that some comfort and peace covers me tonight...that answers come out of these images.


enjoy this video example of what the mra procedure is like...okay so it is thorough so fast forward to about half way for the hip arthrogram.

and pictures :)

cortisone...

i go in for cortisone shots in both hips on tuesday...i don't know whether i should be excited or dismayed.

i'm actually both.

after visiting with the orthopedic, i lost my footing on optimism.

he had absolutely no answers, just a quip of "i don't know what is going on", and that he wouldn't want to touch my other hip because of how much pain i am still in with my operated hip.

needless to say the search for another ortho is on.

isn't it their job to figure out what is going on? isn't it their job to work with me, and my present condition, and work on solutions. don't get me wrong, i am glad that he didn't throw his hands up and not offer the cortisone injections. there is hope that the injections will give my hips enough of a pain rest that they will miraculously be pain free.

does cortisone heal a torn labrum? don't comment i already know the answer!

i can atleast dream, right???

that is the worry about hip #2, "good" hip. #2 isn't feeling so hot. #2 is making the pain i have been feeling in #1 start to look like pansy pain. if #2 keeps it up i don't know what i am going to do.

well, cortisone, here i come!

check out a video of a cortisone shot injection, enjoy :)

"good" hip?

i really do hate the fact that i can still talk about my hips.

i am really discouraged as this journey has had so many ups and downs.

i think i underestimate my resilience and how strong i really am.

there are so many things i wish i could do though!

my birthday is coming up and i'm not excited. i can't go on an adventure without pain, i can't go play games on the beach, i can't go to Disneyland, i can't go kayaking in La Jolla Cove...ugh!

i have been going to physical therapy, for the past 7 weeks, and our conversation on tuesday was about the possibilities of what could be going on with my hips and when i should make an appt with my orthopedic. today, thursday at pt i was asked, so, did you make that appointment with your surgeon?
my current fears are more than anything for my good hip. i have to get my head around the possibility of another surgery if my labrum is tearing. as for my post-op hip, i just really want an answer for the pain.

i can't sleep through the night, and concentration is difficult. all i want to do is curl up with ice/heat, eat chocolate, and drink coffee/beer...can we say comfort items???

so in honor of looking on the bright side i want to share the top five items (no particular order) that are keeping me sane...

#1 | The Bachelor

don't judge too harshly.
it's mind numming, and all i need right now
is something to take my mind off of pain.

The Bachelor

#2 | White Collar

#3 | Red Hook Long Hammer IPA

#4 | coffee

especially coffee from boutique coffee roasters/shops...amazing!

#5 | chocolate

i don't discriminate...
preferably with caramel, or peanuts/peanut butter

seven weeks

i am over two years post op and the pain in my hips is becoming more of an issue.

i started pt, again, about 7 weeks ago.

i am really getting nervous as my "good" hip hurts and the "bad" hip is killing me.

i haven't slept through the night in 4 nights, and my emotionally state is quickly going to crumble...

the one thing that has been brought to my attention as a possible cause...or more like i have done research and want to see if this is the problem...is iliopsoas tendonitis.

i have a pain that gets worse after exercise, standing, sitting, etc. I feel the pain when i wear out the muscles and irritate the area. the pain is the worst one-two days after i exhaust the joint. the flair-ups take about a week or more to calm down.

i am definitely thankful for the mobility i do have, but am starting to hit the reality that what i am doing needs to be as minimal, as the joint and the iliopsoas are pretty angry when i am active...

so here is to drinking a beer, icing the hip, and convincing myself that everything will be okay...

http://www.arthroscopichipsurgeon.com/images/psoas-impingement.jpg

i am hoping no more labral tears are involved,
but i am assuming this is what my psoas is doing to my hip

PT Round Two

alright, verdict is i am weak.

no news to me.

nothing majorly wrong, so the pt thinks. we will see how much this fella knows...

tight psoas and tight back muscles, while i have weak abs and weak gluts.

ultimately i will me beefing it up...well, if you count clam shells that open slightly and pulling my abs through my belly button to the floor, then i am beefing it up. *lots of sarcasm*

you know what, anything to bring the pain level down.

bring it on!

bravery...

i hit my two years post-op yesterday. no big celebration.

i think the reality is setting in about the prognosis.

my "fibro" symptoms are acting up, and my hips are upset. my limitations are increasing...

meeting with my primary care physician today was a bit of affirmation. it is always a relief when people don't find you crazy, and they actually admire what you have been through. living in these shoes can be lonely and the bits of affirmation make it all so much easier.

next steps...
new ortho (new insurance) appointment this week
hoping to start p.t. in february
continuing to do my morning yoga routine
sit-ups and push-ups 3x a week to preserve and obtain muscle mass
AND knowing that i can get through this

i am hoping all the little bits will help.

i also need to keep the perspective that my success looks different than anyone else's.  my success is continuing to do push-ups and sit-up. it doesn't have to look like a marathon, or snowboarding, or hikes every weekend. my success can be going for a walk.

i can be gentle on myself, and keep realistic expectations...i really can. and through it all i can be brave.