ouch...

mri-a with flouroscopy #2, check!

i am hurting, and i broke down and took a vicodin to ease the pain. am i a big baby or are things really to this point???

the mri-a was a lot quicker this time around. the flourscopy, the x-ray guided injection into the hip joint, was half as long as the last time and hence half as painful. so thankful for that. the mri itself was the longest 30 minutes i've experienced in quite some time. talk about antsy at the end.

i am just thankful that i am 1 or 2 days away from some answers! will it be another surgery? i'm kind of bracing for that. all i want is a solution. if it's surgery, bring it on! if not, well hot dog!

here's to answers by friday!

and thank you everyone who has been praying for me. i am feeling the love and the peace. xoxo

OH, and a picture of my amazing healing scars. two of the three at least.

do i realize?

only a couple days away from getting the mri-arthrogram, and hopefully some answers.

i'm nervous and antsy about this next step. what do the next couple months have in store? will i be going back in for surgery? will i have an answer?

i am also filling my thoughts with anxiety about how lonely this road is and is getting. it ends up being a lot of days where i am alone, and people are busy. i sometimes wish everyone else' lives would slow down just a tad so they could come over, we could watch a movie, eat dark chocolate, and paint our nails. i wish people could slow down their agendas to my pace. i wish i could interrupt their run for the night, or the every night hangout they have with their boyfriend...i wish i could interrupt what agenda people have and they could just slow down with me...selfish, yes, i know.

i am pretty sure i am pretty boring right now. i am low energy because of pain, i'm poor/on disability so i don't have a lot of expendable income, and i just don't feel fun...

i'm realizing that in all of this i am having to be okay with me. i hang out with me all day and i have to be okay with my thoughts, with my activities (or lack there of), i have to be okay with the fact that God allows us to suffer.

this was a breakthrough for me. i was realizing how NOT okay i was with the events of the last year and 3 months or so. i realized that i was inhibiting the possibility of growth in my doubts. with my bitterness i was stuck.

the reality is though that every moment i doubt i'm being taken care of God reminds me of just HOW taken care of i really am. none of this looks like i want it, or how i thought it would, but i am taken care of.

so...here's to a couple days of calming the angst and allowing for growth in all of this!

pain management...

or lack there of...

what options are there for pain management?

i'm up at 12:45 in pain and i am so tempted to grab a norco out of the medicine cabinet to dull the pain.

truth is, with how difficult of a time i had being on and getting off of norco before, i really don't want to start that cycle again.

i'll give it anther hour...

*addendum*

well I did it. I broke down. I cut back to a vicodin though.

Great part is it really helped with my pain. I could sleep. well, until I woke up nauseous at 4 and threw up twice by 5 this morning!

Needless to say I don't think I'm quite used to the hard drugs again, but I'm still debating if i'd rather throw up again or deal with pain...and I hate throwing up!

the waiting game again...

well, getting my mri-arthrogram can't come quick enough! remember my last one? i am nervous about a giant needle probing in my hip again, but after the night i had last night i'll do almost anything to find a solution and get relief.

i was up from 3am-7am in pain. i remember the days, weeks, months not too long ago when this was my reality every night. it really scares me that things could get to that place again.

i go in next tuesday on august 30th for my second mri-arthrogram...wish me luck!

heat...

wow, i never thought i would be back to heating the hip and skipping out on things because i am in pain.

i am looking forward to my arthrogram, well not the actual procedure (i'm not crazy!), but excited because it will lead to answers. well, hopefully lead to answers.

i'm calling tomorrow to see if i can make my mri-a appt...*crossing fingers*

reality check...

today was my 6 month post-op appointment, which is actually my 7 1/2 month post-op appointment. i wish i had good news...well who knows what kind of news this is. the reality is i look at worst case scenario and go from there. i'd rather be prepared than shocked, and at this point my worst case scenarios have been right...argh!

okay, back to news. i am scheduling, in the next couple days, another mri-arthrogram (remember my last one?). we will rule in or out whether my labrum has re-torn or not.

reality is, i simply want to know why at 7 months post-op i am in this much pain. if it means i have re-torn my labrum lets find it and fix it NOW.

the thought of going through another hip surgery is numbing. i don't really know how i feel about it. what is a new recovery going to be like? is this surgery going to make me better? if it solves my problem i want to go through it again, this time i hope it all works...

it is so hard to be content in all of this though. i've been trying really hard in the last couple weeks to find the silver lining. i can find things, but believing the silver lining as reality is still a process. i guess life was never meant to be easy. this is a fight i needed to have and i will keep fighting until i have some more answers and my body is pain free!

here's to a speedy process and answers...

7 month post-op

7 months post-op. wow. time flies, even when you're not having fun.

i am a little over a month into my second round of disability and learning to be still. with strict orders to only be moving and up for about 20 minutes in every hour, for a max of 4 hours in the day, i am truly going a little stir crazy. the reality is though that this time has been my saving grace.

with constant inflammation from april to the beginning of july, i didn't know how i was ever going to heal. it took a solid couple weeks for my hip to finally settle down. i can now say that with limited mobility i am feeling like a new person.

my muscles and tendons are starting to feel the effects of limited mobility, and shock when i try and push myself too hard. my joint is still easily inflamed and i am even sitting now in pain, but so much less so that a month ago. man, o, man how i hate that i am at the point i am in recovery, but blessed that i have the ability to recover. i get an income with disability, i live with my parents rent free, i have friends and a church community that loves me. i am blessed even in the midsts of what could be an even darker journey.

this process is long, and i don't know when my pain will end; but i hope i can hold onto the quiet  moments i have to rest, recover, and soak in moments not many people get. i have the opportunity to revive my weary body, mind and soul. i am blessed to have the time where i can prune a better me and come out of this process someone i could never have become without these forced moments of stillness.