anxiety...

i've got another week and a half before i go back in to see my surgeon. i'm getting really nervous about the prospect of how he's going to try and manipulate the area (ouch!), if i'm at a good spot in recovery, if i'm going to be given the time i need to recover. this disability has taken over me. i am defined by it. i make plans based upon it. i decide my every second based upon how it will effect my pain level and healing. of all things i would ever become consumed by i didn't imagine this.

i want this time to be consumed with how much people love and support me, reaching goals, dreaming up things i could be doing and all of the things i WILL do once this is all over. or will it all be over. there is still the doubt that i'm left with all of this anticipation. will i be let down with the words, your labrum has torn again, in six months?

i also anticipate leaving my time in sierra madre to continue healing at home and i'm forgotten. i'm getting better, so the appearance of disability has diminished. will people care to stop by? will i not be able to get a ride to freedom? my livelihood still depends on the assistance of others. even the first week and a half was different than i thought. i doubt that people care. did i get enough, you okays, can i bring you dinners, i love yous?

it is true though that i think people don't like to intrude, get in others business, but it is SO important to get in the business of someone recovering.

i do want to thank the few, the faithful family and friends...i might not be able to express enough how much a stop by means, but when you're dependent on your community to come to you, when they actually show up it means the world.

here's hoping my doubts diminish, my community shows up and that regardless, i know i am cherished and beloved by the One that truly matters...