the beginning of this month, pretty much right on my 8 month surgery anniversary, i woke up pain free. yes, you read that right...pain free.
now, see, the hesitance comes from my track record. my hip starts feeling better, i push it, and am then back to peg...way to far down the board, that i have lost hope in all of this too many times.
to be honest, i saw a glimmer of what my life IS going to look like. my muscles were loose, my joint was smooth, and i did not feel limited. it was really freeing. it made me realize how much i have been letting my physical limitation, especially pain, hold be back. the reality is that mechanically i am golden now. the pain i feel, once again, is tendons and muscles working and doing things they have not done in at least three months, more realistically closer to a year. my body is not working perfectly which brings about aches and pains, but with time this will all subside. i am thankful for the glimmer of what is to come and for the continued healing
this process has been depressing. the reality is that i am a fragile person. i may seem tough and together, but i am the one who is lulled to sleep by my anxiety.
the big breakthrough happened a few days after i finally, truly, gave up a lot of my worry. i finally rallied a troop of people to pray for me, i let go, and let God take control. i know it sounds so cheesy and cliche, but it was the only thing that has taken my mind off of my pain, given me a few good days and allowed me to free myself from the chains of this ordeal. it is so easy to get caught up in the circle of disappointment in all of this, but the reality is, i am blessed. i have insurance, my finances always iron out no matter how stressful, and i am taken care of.
i am still reminded that this has never been life or death. i am still in tact and matter of fact i am functioning better than i was 15 months ago.
while having coffee with a dear friend this morning i ran into a customer i have not see in a few months. he was thin, wearing a stocking cap with his stringy hair peeking out from underneath. we were chatting and catching up, and he so nicely asked me how i was doing with my hip, not working right now and he was encouraging about the benefits of a positive attitude in all of this. he pointed to his cap "this isn't a fashion statement".
i politely asked, "if you don't mind, can i ask what happened?"
"leukemia" he said.
a few months ago he started feeling neck and back pain, and a fever that spiked and fell consistently. two months ago he went to the ER and was in chemo the next day. the doctor told him if he would have waited two more weeks he wouldn't be alive.
i held it together, holding back tears and encouraged him at the end; and as he was turning to walk away i told him "i don't know if you subscribe to it, but i will be praying for you."
he stopped, and said "i do".
he told me he has had a lot of people praying for him. family, friends and a Bible study. he truly believes that after only two months of chemo, the only reasons why he is alive and in remission, yes! REMISSION, is that people have been praying and he has not allowed himself to pity the situation once!
i am blessed. i have never had the words, if you would have waited two more weeks you wouldn't be here.
i am blessed. i am in recovery, i am healing and my pain is less by the day.
i am blessed. i have a peace that passes all understanding in this, all when i let go and let God take care of me and my situation.
i am blessed.
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